โ at some point, i realized that i needed โ
Posted: Thu, Mar 20, 2014 07:44:38 AM
the help of some Power greater than addiction.
quite an interesting Higher Powered day, yesterday. i tried to bail one sponsee out of jail, and learned that the consequence of doing so, would have kept me from doing service as a volunteer. another sponsee wanted to do step work with me, and kept postponing and postponing it, until we were forced to stay in a coffee house until exactly closing time, as the employees there have been less than courteous and attentive in the past, i felt some satisfaction that they could not even get their work started until the scheduled closing time.
self-will and the THIRD STEP were the themes of my day yesterday, and as i sit here this morning, everything happened as it was supposed to happen, dang it. my sponsee in jail? well i am coming to see, that for right now, that is probably the safest place for him. my evil self-gratification over a bit of payback, well that ended up on my TENTH STEP last night. however, although writing about all of that is fun, is it more than a bit off-topic.
when i was in active addiction, my denial was so strong and impenetrable, that i did not consider myself and addict, hence there was absolutely no reason to need a power greater than addiction, much less one that some may call GOD. in my early recovery, as the gale force winds of the program, started to assail that wall, i quickly realized that the 20th Judaical District, may be a power greater than addiction, but not one that i wanted to turn my will and my life over into the care of. so the journey to find a Power greater than addiction, that would work for me began. that journey has been documented by me before, and does not need to be rehashed this morning. one of the questions i heard the answer to last night is, “how does my concept of a HIGHER POWER need to change, and am comfortable allowing that process to happen?”
ironically, as i listened to my sponsee, i took a moment to remind myself to look at that question, myself, when i found the time. well, this morning, after a few minutes of quiet time, i see that i have arrived at a concept of a POWER greater than my addiction, that i am comfortable with, as well as willing to take direction from, today anyways. more and more, as i progress through the steps, i see how this whole journey has been arriving to where i am at today. everything i needed to learn about how to stay clean, i learned in the first 90 days of recovery and when i let go of my uniqueness, and take the suggestions, with modifying them to fit my peculiar circumstances, i get gifts beyond my wildest dreams. today, i need not pick and choose, like back in the early days of my recovery, because i ave everything i need right here. the Kool-Ade, may look heinous and disgusting, but it contains no cyanide. the living death of active addiction , the twilight world of being between active addiction and living a program, are places that i willingly trade for what i have today, including the ability to ask for the power i lack inherently, the power to stay clean, and treat all the symptoms of addiction, not merely my uncontrolled use of drugs. is is time however, to bring this writing to its conclusion, bundle it up and putt it on to the semi-permanent world of bits and bytes. today, i seek freedom from my obsession with self and as this day goes on, i ask for the strength to tell my incarcerated sponsee, that he is right where he needs to be, at least just for today.
quite an interesting Higher Powered day, yesterday. i tried to bail one sponsee out of jail, and learned that the consequence of doing so, would have kept me from doing service as a volunteer. another sponsee wanted to do step work with me, and kept postponing and postponing it, until we were forced to stay in a coffee house until exactly closing time, as the employees there have been less than courteous and attentive in the past, i felt some satisfaction that they could not even get their work started until the scheduled closing time.
self-will and the THIRD STEP were the themes of my day yesterday, and as i sit here this morning, everything happened as it was supposed to happen, dang it. my sponsee in jail? well i am coming to see, that for right now, that is probably the safest place for him. my evil self-gratification over a bit of payback, well that ended up on my TENTH STEP last night. however, although writing about all of that is fun, is it more than a bit off-topic.
when i was in active addiction, my denial was so strong and impenetrable, that i did not consider myself and addict, hence there was absolutely no reason to need a power greater than addiction, much less one that some may call GOD. in my early recovery, as the gale force winds of the program, started to assail that wall, i quickly realized that the 20th Judaical District, may be a power greater than addiction, but not one that i wanted to turn my will and my life over into the care of. so the journey to find a Power greater than addiction, that would work for me began. that journey has been documented by me before, and does not need to be rehashed this morning. one of the questions i heard the answer to last night is, “how does my concept of a HIGHER POWER need to change, and am comfortable allowing that process to happen?”
ironically, as i listened to my sponsee, i took a moment to remind myself to look at that question, myself, when i found the time. well, this morning, after a few minutes of quiet time, i see that i have arrived at a concept of a POWER greater than my addiction, that i am comfortable with, as well as willing to take direction from, today anyways. more and more, as i progress through the steps, i see how this whole journey has been arriving to where i am at today. everything i needed to learn about how to stay clean, i learned in the first 90 days of recovery and when i let go of my uniqueness, and take the suggestions, with modifying them to fit my peculiar circumstances, i get gifts beyond my wildest dreams. today, i need not pick and choose, like back in the early days of my recovery, because i ave everything i need right here. the Kool-Ade, may look heinous and disgusting, but it contains no cyanide. the living death of active addiction , the twilight world of being between active addiction and living a program, are places that i willingly trade for what i have today, including the ability to ask for the power i lack inherently, the power to stay clean, and treat all the symptoms of addiction, not merely my uncontrolled use of drugs. is is time however, to bring this writing to its conclusion, bundle it up and putt it on to the semi-permanent world of bits and bytes. today, i seek freedom from my obsession with self and as this day goes on, i ask for the strength to tell my incarcerated sponsee, that he is right where he needs to be, at least just for today.
∞ DT ∞