Blog entry for:

just might exist gives me enough hope to stay clean, a day at a time.
well i would have to use a bit stronger language than just might exist, but i do understand the quandary many a person new to recovery faces when dealing with this issue. i was one of those who had serious issues about the divine and the mundane. i was one of those rational people who believed that there was a rational explanation for everything under the sun, so to speak. so of course even acknowledging that my addiction was a force that was greater than me was quite a jump. there i sat, once again looking into the pit of despair that my life had become, wondering how things ever got so bad and trying to figure out how i was going to survive without the chemical crutch that i depended on to shield me from the slings and arrows of daily existence.
naturally the answer was quite simply to accept that i was powerless over the disease of addiction, which i have come to recognize as that part of myself that i call the disease of addiction, but this is not the time to argue the semantics of that statement. i finally came to grips and conceded to my innermost self that i was not like normal people and needed something more powerful than addiction if i was to survive for any length of time.
with that tiny admission, with that tiny surrender, with that small paradigm shift, i was finally ready to open my mind to something more. because since i was under the control of the disease of addiction, and nothing in my power could change that, in order to build HOPE, there had to be something more, and something more is what i needed post haste!
so a benevolent POWER you ask. well there is the fellowship that welcomed me, and told me that misery was my choice. the addicts who comprised the membership of that fellowship showed me that they could and were staying clean, and were quite happy with the their lives regardless of the events that were happening day to day. no their lives were not perfect and without problems, worries or concerns, and most of those addicts were honest with me that staying clean would not take the problematic areas out of my life, merely that they had the means to deal with those problems as the problems arose and those means did not include better living through chemistry.
so it was off to the races and on to the path of recovery, and startling that journey has been to this day one of my best decisions. no my life is not perfect, BUT it is a helluva lot better than it was and i owe that to the benevolent power that KEEPS me clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞