Blog entry for:

of some POWER that is more powerful than addiction.
this could be a rehash of the whole process for me, but i think not today.
it might also be a treatise about what my belief system encompasses today, but i am not in the mood for that either.
of course, there is the whole power trip, i could go down and write about that as well, but once again, not today.
what i heard this morning was more third stepish than anything else, i heard about letting go and allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for my will and my life, because i have never been very good at it. i heard this morning that is is my FAITH in the process and the POWER that fuel my recovery, that will sustain me. i was not born with the ability to have FAITH in anything, or perhaps i was cultured into that state, how i GOT there is not really important. what is pertinent today, that as a result of my looking at the evidence of actions and events beyond my control i GOT to a state of FAITH, as meager as it is. there are times when i am envious of those, who just have FAITH, as it seems they are on the easier softer path. i can take some solace in the fact that i have earned my FAITH through resistance and rebellion, no matter how futile that battle has ended up becoming across the course of my recovery. i spoke about how much i detest authority, and yet, ever since i finally mad a decision to do whatever it took, i have been bending my will to fit into recovery. that has been a series of compromises and accommodations and each time i let go of something, in regards to my notions of the spiritual experience, i am rewarded with some peace of mind and more than a bit of serenity, and yet i still resist. i guess i am either a slow learner or just plain stubborn. what this drives home is that i still have a ways to go, at least in the spiritual sense. today, more than ever i DO NOT WANT TO USE. although that gets easier over time, there is still a part of me, that believes some day i will. after all, if only 10 to 20 percent of those who start this journey actually complete it, the odds are stacked against me. when i start to judge what i am hearing, instead of accepting it may just be what i NEED to hear, when i get pissed off at the revolving door, instead of looking at it as an object lesson, i am denying my FAITH in the process that has brought me this far. i may not be a lot of things or fit in in a lot of places, but today, without a doubt i know what i am an ADDICT and i belong in then rooms of recovery, because everyone here is just like me, sick but getting better. it is a good day to have just a bit of FAITH and allow myself to experience what is going on around me, lief is too short to do nything else, and i have slept too much of it away.

∞ DT ∞