๐ my self-serving ๐
Posted: Wed, Aug 20, 2025 03:40:57 PM
behavior and my aversion to being truly vulnerable and intimate with others have kept me isolated, in active addiction, in mere abstinence and yes, even in early recovery, i was not anything close to an instant recovery prodigy, back in the day. in fact, i still, from time to time, struggle with being intimacy and vulnerability. i certainly used to envy those who walked through life, being themselves and seemingly did not care how they looked in the eyes of those around them. today, i see that as feeling less than those folks and as i grow into that sort of behavior, i wonder why i resisted for so long and held on to that self-image of being aloof, when it stopped serving me. i can take a clue from one of the men i sponsor, when i see him struggling to let go of shit that does not serve him. it may not be the case for him, but for me, it was part of the carefully constructed image i had built up and believed protected me from the hurt and pain of living life in the company of others.
this morning, before i took off for yet another training hike, i thought about writing this little exercise. i changed my mind, because i wanted to avoid the bumper-to-bumper traffic on the way to the trailhead. lo and behold, it was not enough, i still had to creep through several miles of stop and go. what i told myself, as i was crawling along, was that i was in no hurry and it gave me time to leisurely enjoy a cigar and contemplate on practicing service in all my affairs. what popped off the stack, as it were, was the notion that these days, the greatest service i can do for those around me, is to let go of the shit i think i “need” to hold on to and allow myself to be me, in the present tense, without pretense, artifice or judgement. that is the image i am trying to grow into and as i choose to judge behaviors and not those who exhibit them, it seems to be easier and easier to do, day in and day out. i am far from perfect at doing so, but just as i was not well-versed in not flipping off those who annoyed me, it became easier with practice, once i made a conscious decision to do so.
with that in mind, i think i will end this little ditty by saying, just for today, being of service feels better than being serviced. i can be kind, courteous and forgiving, to myself and those around me, if i choose to do so.
this morning, before i took off for yet another training hike, i thought about writing this little exercise. i changed my mind, because i wanted to avoid the bumper-to-bumper traffic on the way to the trailhead. lo and behold, it was not enough, i still had to creep through several miles of stop and go. what i told myself, as i was crawling along, was that i was in no hurry and it gave me time to leisurely enjoy a cigar and contemplate on practicing service in all my affairs. what popped off the stack, as it were, was the notion that these days, the greatest service i can do for those around me, is to let go of the shit i think i “need” to hold on to and allow myself to be me, in the present tense, without pretense, artifice or judgement. that is the image i am trying to grow into and as i choose to judge behaviors and not those who exhibit them, it seems to be easier and easier to do, day in and day out. i am far from perfect at doing so, but just as i was not well-versed in not flipping off those who annoyed me, it became easier with practice, once i made a conscious decision to do so.
with that in mind, i think i will end this little ditty by saying, just for today, being of service feels better than being serviced. i can be kind, courteous and forgiving, to myself and those around me, if i choose to do so.
∞ DT ∞