๐ i learned ๐
Posted: Tue, Dec 9, 2025 10:45:15 AM
everything i need to know about how to stay clean in my first 30 days! the lessons i seemed to skip in those early days were all about acceptance, connection and letting go of what and who i believed i was. denial kept me sick and angry. separating myself from my peers, so i would not land in recovery was the mission i was on and no matter how abrasive i was, i was never kicked out. if not for the legal sword that was hanging over my head, i almost certainly would not be sitting here this morning, gratefully recounting on how i learned to get and stay clean.
today is the anniversary of a friend and sponsee's suicide. even after nine years i still go to a place of how could i have helped him find the community and support he once had. even though there is a bit of remorse there, i know i did what i could, without making him my “project.” he had to have the freedom to work through his issues and have the support to drop his shit somewhere other than in his own head. i gave him all that i could and i tried my best to help him find his way through his fog of shame and self-abasement. this where practicality is important as i have seen more than one of my peers, pour all the efforts into “saving” someone, only to get resentful when things do not go as they expect them to go. i know i cannot save myself, much less anyone else and my friend Brian was no exception to that rule. today, as sad as i may feel, i know i did what i could and the results, while not at all to my liking, were what they were.
moving into the here and now, this morning as i sat, what i heard was that i do have all that i need to stay clean today. i even have more than enough to actually thrive, rather than just get by. i have tole myself more than once across the course of my recovery that if i was miserable, why stay clean, after all that is not practicality in action. the fact of the matter is, when i am miserable, it is not because i am clean. in fact, when i ponder the times i was miserable, it is almost always about stuff not turning out in the manner i desired. in other words i make my own misery and it is not about being a fucking optimist, as i am more of a realist, it is about not accepting the what is and pining for the what i want it to be. what is it that i want me life to be, that it is not today? without diving into fantasy, it would be nice to have a bit more financial security, as i age into my so-called “golden years.” other than that, i have all that i need, much of what i desire and a manner of seeing myself in a way i never dreamed that i could. no misery in my life today and i have the ways and means to keep misery out of my life.
today is the anniversary of a friend and sponsee's suicide. even after nine years i still go to a place of how could i have helped him find the community and support he once had. even though there is a bit of remorse there, i know i did what i could, without making him my “project.” he had to have the freedom to work through his issues and have the support to drop his shit somewhere other than in his own head. i gave him all that i could and i tried my best to help him find his way through his fog of shame and self-abasement. this where practicality is important as i have seen more than one of my peers, pour all the efforts into “saving” someone, only to get resentful when things do not go as they expect them to go. i know i cannot save myself, much less anyone else and my friend Brian was no exception to that rule. today, as sad as i may feel, i know i did what i could and the results, while not at all to my liking, were what they were.
moving into the here and now, this morning as i sat, what i heard was that i do have all that i need to stay clean today. i even have more than enough to actually thrive, rather than just get by. i have tole myself more than once across the course of my recovery that if i was miserable, why stay clean, after all that is not practicality in action. the fact of the matter is, when i am miserable, it is not because i am clean. in fact, when i ponder the times i was miserable, it is almost always about stuff not turning out in the manner i desired. in other words i make my own misery and it is not about being a fucking optimist, as i am more of a realist, it is about not accepting the what is and pining for the what i want it to be. what is it that i want me life to be, that it is not today? without diving into fantasy, it would be nice to have a bit more financial security, as i age into my so-called “golden years.” other than that, i have all that i need, much of what i desire and a manner of seeing myself in a way i never dreamed that i could. no misery in my life today and i have the ways and means to keep misery out of my life.
∞ DT ∞