Some memes

nothing changes. when i first heard this little tautology, way back when, i thought that this was one of the most ignorant of any of the many ignorant slogans that decorated the rooms of recovery and were spouted off by those in attendance. seriously, the thought continued, what sort of idiot would expect change if nothing changed. when i finally pulled my head out of my ass and came down a bit from my high horse, i started to get a clue that perhaps there was more behind those words than a self-fulfilling prophecy.
as i listened in the quiet of the of this morning, i heard something a bit different than how i came to understand it way back when. in those dim and distant days, i saw it as a limit to where i could go. if i did not allow things to change, by resisting what the program of recovery was trying to give me, i would remain in that miserable pit of despair. what came from the quiet when my obsessions with what i needed and wanted to accomplish today faded was that if i chose the path of least resistance and did not actively seek change in myself and my life, i would remain at the edge of my next spiritual awakening, much to my dismay. sitting at the doorstep of my 4TH STEP is not stopping the change as i am not doing nothing, what i am doing is allowing my head to catch up with my spiritual and emotional self. finding the balance between who i think i am and what i really am, has been a task that i want to be done. if i had obeyed my head and rushed into my 4TH STEP in February, i know i would have missed everything that has been shifting within and writing about the past before i had a good grasp on where my feet were in a spiritual sense.
as my selves catch up and synchronize i am seeing that my resentments run deeper than i once believed. i thought i resented my Mom because of what she did to me and because she humiliated me after the fact. i have truly worked through that and have put it in its place. i volunteered for all of consequences and formed a lie into a truth that made it feel less shameful. i have uncovered a very irrational resentment, as i have come to blame her for the death of my Dad. it is tricky and intricate but it spins around the fact she chose to become an invalid, long before she actually was and diminished and disrespected my Dad into giving up the activities that were keeping him vital. he spun down into uselessness and believing his love for her meant he had to be subservient to her. it is true, he chose that path, so the irrationality of my resentment is quite ironic, as feelings are not facts. that is the center of my resentment, not the whole of it and i will certainly enjoy putting pen to paper to document my resentment, when the time is right.
just for today, i will sit in my discomfort and allow myself to feel what i need to feel, define what i need to define and live with the realization that not taking action may be more than just doing nothing.

∞ DT ∞