Some memes

know my intentions, i get better at hearing my own voice, my own conscience, and listening to my instincts. TBH, i may have had a conscience when i walked into the rooms, but my motives and intentions for all that i was and all that i did, was to hide my true self in plain sight, as i believed i was too broken to be seen. when i was not considering who to be, then my next priority was what to do or take to get out of my own way and to make the world tolerable. the world was never tolerable, no matter how much i used and as a result, i was always seeking. it is a good thing for me, that when i used a substance that created a physical dependence, i decided that i liked it way too much and i knew i was hooked from the very start. the one moment of clarity i had, saved me from going down that rabbit hole. it did not however, scare me enough to seek a solution to a problem i denied i had. it would take the better part of a quarter of a century before i finally got clean.
this morning, as i sat and considered conscience and that “still quiet voice” cliché i heard that my motives and intentions are no longer so single-minded as they were back in the day. today, i understand that all of my actions have consequences, beyond my immediate reach sometimes. i may not have anything like a still quiet voice, but i do have the ability to choose a direction, understanding full well what the consequences may be and whether or not they are tolerable or acceptable to me. for me, everything comes down to choice. i am not some automaton any more who is hard-wired to reaction to my feelings and my perception of the world. i do not, however, have “voices” in my head telling me what to do and advising me on my current situation. i know when i am treading on dangerous ground by how i feel real-time and i can pause and evaluate if that is truly the direction i wish to go. is that conscience or a still, quiet voice? in my mind not really, but one can call it whatever one may choose to name it. i see it part and parcel of who i am and who i am becoming, nothing more and certainly nothing less.
moving into this day, it is time to head out to my home group and meet the world head-on. i do have a peer who is ghosting me and that is never a good thing. i certainly hope that it is not because he is in relapse again. there are all sorts of directions i could take and most of the options are not ideal. i certainly hope for the best here and yes HOPE is the correct word. i am hopeful; he is just busy or even better on vacation and not running and gunning. more will certainly be revealed and i will need to be patient and open-minded to the notion that he was okay on July 24th when he last texted me and he is still okay today.

∞ DT ∞