๐ด i was human ๐ถ
Posted: Wed, Sep 9, 2026 10:52:19 AM
in active addiction, and i am human now. and that seems to be the problem, somehow i have developed the expectation that i should be far beyond merely human. i am not sure where that came from, more than likely for the fantasy escapes i create in my head, but it really does not matter. what matter is that is the standard by which i judge how strong or weak i am at any given moment. ironically it took an AI model to point that out, even though it has been starting me in the face for decades on end. 🤯 all of that sounds silly, vain and a standard with which i can denigrate and deprecate myself. no matter how much i grow, it will never be enough and that fucking sucks.
i am beginning to see that one is too many and a thousand is not enough when it comes to seeing how changed from the day i walked into the rooms. i still see myself as something less than human when i peek back at those days, as one of my sponsees is fond of saying “lower that whale shit.” when i compare that to how i see myself today as merely human, i feel the change but have an unrealistic expectation that is not enough. as someone who believes words and how i use them actually means something “merely human” is a dig. what i have HOPE about in this set of steps is that i can disarm the notion that being human is not something i “merely” am, it is something i can aspire to being. after all this time, finding a true humility in who i am and who i may be becoming.
my missing friend finally texted me back and asked for time to chat. he said something that surprised me. what he said was that every time he has had this sort of conversation, his life has changed. he surprised me again by texting this morning, perhaps the two of us will be able to create a new realtionship that is satisfactory to us both based on what we once had. my HOPE here is that we can do just that. my life will certainly be better as a result. with that little bit of HOPE i think i will put this to bed.
i am beginning to see that one is too many and a thousand is not enough when it comes to seeing how changed from the day i walked into the rooms. i still see myself as something less than human when i peek back at those days, as one of my sponsees is fond of saying “lower that whale shit.” when i compare that to how i see myself today as merely human, i feel the change but have an unrealistic expectation that is not enough. as someone who believes words and how i use them actually means something “merely human” is a dig. what i have HOPE about in this set of steps is that i can disarm the notion that being human is not something i “merely” am, it is something i can aspire to being. after all this time, finding a true humility in who i am and who i may be becoming.
my missing friend finally texted me back and asked for time to chat. he said something that surprised me. what he said was that every time he has had this sort of conversation, his life has changed. he surprised me again by texting this morning, perhaps the two of us will be able to create a new realtionship that is satisfactory to us both based on what we once had. my HOPE here is that we can do just that. my life will certainly be better as a result. with that little bit of HOPE i think i will put this to bed.
∞ DT ∞