Blog entry for:

in return for that freedom from discomfort, i trade my curiosity, my flexibility and the room to grow.
these days that is not a comfortable trade no matter how appealing., life without mistakes may seem to be. but exactly what doe the reading speak to me about this morning. well for one thing about my unrealistic expectations about the recovery process. those expectations over time have become goals because of the very imprecise language our program uses. after all this is a process whose end goal is the freedom from active addiction. active addiction has come to mean many things to me over the course of my recovery and then there is the second, sixth, and seventh steps with their implied promises of becoming sane and without shortcomings. so over time what this has morphed into in my silly little mind is that somehow i will become perfect -- a goal i always have wanted to attain. this is a weapon the part of me i call my disease uses against me. yes i know how silly that all seems, me in battle with me, for my life, the part that wants to end my recovery using the very principles of recovery against the part of me that enjoys this new life and works hard to foster its growth. dark and twisty and thinking about the convolutions and levels of this gives me a headache.
thank GOD that the program works despite me! will i ever be perfect, no i do not think so, and i can let go of that expectation for right now. but i can get better, removal of my shortcomings and restoration to sanity will not make me perfect, and are totally relative states. after all i am only human and the promise of freedom from active addiction does not mean that somehow i will be lifted from my state of being human, only that i can enjoy that state a bit more!

∞ DT ∞