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it has been so important in recovery to develop my belief in a Power greater than myself, something that could provide saner, more reliable guidance than my own.
even lately, my own inner voice has reverted to one of my less than savory behaviors and as a result i have had to go back twice to other people and own my wrongs. in one case i was actually able to make an amend in the other, well time will allow me to get to a place to become willing to do the work there to, but not enough time has passed yet, so it is what it is. the good news is that i have called my sponsor and i will be sitting down to chat with him tomorrow, so i can get a handle on what is going on with me. i am also going to spend the afternoon with a very dear and closed mouth friend on thursday, so perhaps she will be able to provide some more of the clues. after all, these days the last voice i can trust is the one inside of me. so where did the idea to call my sponsor and sit down with him come from? well certainly not from my head, i am self-willing everything around me these days and certainly not listening for my HIGHER POWER’S will in anything. well that is probably an exaggeration, i like to do that too! in reality i have just a few things i have been doing out of self-will and those are enough to call my sponsor, i actually needed to call him a month ago, but that inner voice told me that i was a piece of shit because i was not keeping in touch with him, and to call him when i was in a shitty place was not fair to him. actually what the voice was saying with all of its venomous sweetness was i not worthy of calling my sponsor, and certainly not worthy of spending a few hours with him, to sort things out. so a saner voice has finally got through my thick skull and the only reason it has, is that i work on my relationship with my HIGHER POWER on a daily basis. i may choose not to listen, i may ask for things i WANT, and i may choose to ignore what is being said, but i still do what i have done since i finally got this recovery gig - pray every morning and night. so what will happen today? well only time will tell, it is time for me to face the cold world outside and get some work done!

∞ DT ∞