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one of the more notorious forms of guilt is the self-loathing that results when i try to forgive myself but do not feel forgiven.
well freedom from active addiction yesterday, and today the reading is about freedom from guilt. an interesting progression by any stretch of the imagination. this is my first attempt at writing this locally and posting it later, so we will see if my mind trips down another path as the morning progresses. anyway, after that brief diversion, what i really read this morning seemed more about freedom from my past. i do need to feel guilty about my actions and behaviors that injure someone or something in the here and now, and i cannot use spiritual camouflage of any sort to relieve myself of the guilt of misbehaviors. it would be wonderful if i could just say "Hey i am an addict" and be instantly forgiven for all my transgressions. that is not the manner i choose to live today. so what i really think the reading was talking about was allowing myself to forgive myself for my human failings and release the guilt and shame that i may or may not be carrying with me on a daily basis. the second part of that is actually feeling forgiven. somewhere in my past, i was given the message that although making mistakes was part of the human condition, i had to carry my guilt with me until the day i died. breaking that cycle is part of the job of recovery. of course i make mistakes and cause harm, i am hardly a candidate for sainthood, and feeling guilt over such actions is like the pain i feel when i touch a hot stove burner, it is necessary feedback to tell me something is wrong. carrying that guilt forever is hardly healthy, nor is it something i want to do these days. so i have a tenth step to address these issues in the here and now, and a ninth step to clean-up those messes that somehow escape the scrutiny of my daily inventory. both of those steps are the path to self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance and i realize that my diligence at working that part of the program is what will allow the freedom to forgive myself.
so back at this after a couple of hours
now the morning has brought some things into my life that i do not want to deal with. namely my character defect of low self-worth and not standing up for myself. well i guess i can forgive myself for that, and i will have to respond to the assault on my fragile ego with assertiveness rather than the aggressive response i have already put out. so off to get more stuff accomplished.

∞ DT ∞