Blog entry for:

the totally perfect nor the totally imperfect being, i often see myself as. as the days pile up and i get further and further away from the day the desire to use left me, i get fresh insights into who i am and more importantly, who i am not. unlike some politicians (DonOLD TFG) and those who idolize and adore them, i prefer to see reality, exactly as it is, rather that try to spin it into a world of “alternate facts.” the days of spinning what i said or did, into a thread that is nothing but fantasy, but makes me feel good, are over. today, as i walk through my day, i know i will make a mistake or three. for the most part, none of those mistakes will be world-changing or cause a rip in the space-time continuum. they may cause be a bit of embarrassment and certainly some angst as i try to figure out how i got there, but there will also be more than a modicum of forgiveness for showing my human side.
as i consider bow to be freed from my guilt, i have to look at if it really still matters and if i have changed remorse into shame. today, i am pissed at my younger self for contributing to the factors that led to Stage 2A melanoma. i could and probably will beat myself up about the follies of my youth for a few more days, perhaps even a few weeks, but in the long run i will fall back onto the notion of “even if i did know better, chances are i would have behaved in the exact same manner, that is just who i was.” i am the only one that refuses to unlock the door to that specific prison.

David M
Congrats on XVI (16) years clean today!

as i totter off to work and see if i can get a clue or two from my co-worker, i am grateful that i no longer labor under the expectation that IF i make a mistake, i HAVE TO, cover it up or spin it into nothingness. it make my life a whole lot easier than ever before and easier and softer is certainly much better, at least for this addict.

∞ DT ∞