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i find that i am neither the totally perfect nor the totally imperfect beings i have imagined myself to be. the detail that i have to be certain about, is the tense of this passage. i was tempted to change it to past tense, as if i had already completed the self-discovery process and shattered all my illusi0ons about the true nature of my character, and although that would have been a convenient dodge, and one that i have no problem with living in, when the part of me i call my addict is more active than the part of me that desires recovery, today that part is quiescent, and for that i am grateful.
it is quite easy to accept that the self-discovery process is happening all the time, and as it progresses so does my ability to forgiver myself for all my transgressions, real and imagined. the ironic part of this who;e thing, is that as i embark on my ninth step, i find that the part of my list that includes me, constitutes my major task. so as i sit here, engrossed in DEEP thought, and trying to recover from my morning jaunt around the neighborhood, i begin to see, the point in where i have been going and what i have been feeling. the point being, that all that i have seen around me that i find, abhorrent is the hot gases that are being emitted. that is the only action i see, and that is what my greatest fear is right now. am i willing to match my actions to my words, without reservations? honestly, i would love say sure, after all, this is an honest program, and i am seeking to become more than i ever have been. to be truly honest, i would have to say yes with this caveat, to the best of my human abilities, right here and right now. far from perfect, but much better than nothing, which quite nicely brings me back to the top of this semi-random collection of words. the freedom from the guilt i so strongly seek, comes only from realizing that no matter what, no matter how long i live a program of recovery, i am still just another human being. and human beings, by design, are not saints. so with that in mind, it is time to move forward with the tasks in front of me.

∞ DT ∞