Blog entry for:

sensible awareness of my past, my part in it and the consequences for what i did, is certainly one way to be freed from guilt. i am not speaking of calculating justifications or rationalizations for what i did, to dismiss my regret. nor am i saying that i need to sweep all of that under the carpet, blaming all of that on my addiction. “after all, what would one expect from a using addict?” even worse is picking up the mantle of how “bad” i am because of what i did and turning it into shame, so i can be eternally lashed to my past and beat myself severely about my head and shoulders, for what i did and did not do. i am grateful for a program of recovery that offers me a way off the self-deprecating treadmill of guilt and shame, that i have been on for seemingly forever. before i go much further:

David M
Congrats on FOURTEEN (14) years clean!

here is where i start to write about how much better i am, and although i am better, what i have heard the past few days was how this or that are obstacles that i place in front of my happiness. yesterday it was DESIRE, this morning, i see it as guilt, shame and remorse. in a word, my PAST. i see now that my past coupled with DESIRE, places me in a spot of seeking to change the way i feel. as i walk out into the world this morning, i have the desire to allow myself the freedom to feel what i need to feel and not work on changing it into what i want to feel. i want to allow myself the freedom to balance the now and the past and be okay with the end result, as i am quite certain that is part of the path forward for me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞