Blog entry for:

or down to my illusions, is one of the toughest things to surrender into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, as those illusions have been crafted to feeling as if they are carved deeply into a huge, granite mountain, that is far from being eroded into the sea. those illusions and expectation carefully crafted over the decades i used, to protect myself from the cold harsh reality of what my life had become, are the basis for my 4TH STEP writings today. i am resentful that i internalized my anger, my shame and the fact that i was “different” for all those years, because the message i received from society, the media and my culture was that was how “big boys” lived.
before i get to far down that path, a quick shout-out to one of my peers, who i do call a friend:

David M.
Congrats on TWELVE (12) years clean!
thanks for being a part of my recovery

this morning, as i sit here considering my life and trying to get a grip on what is going on inside of me, i have come to the conclusion that the only way through this internal angst and self-loathing is to walk through it. one of the gifts of recovery, has been my growing ability to adapt to the fact that sometimes, things do not happen as i had them planned. this morning i am stuck at home when i wanted to be out on my workout, because i have to get some stuff done, before i get side-tracked into my day. taking care of my partner's computer is one of those things, so it appears that the dawg is going to get her workout, before i get mine. it is what it is and i am okay with it, after that tine bit of a very fine “whine.”
the rest of today. may be taking care of the business that i usually do on Sundays, as i have a friend coming into town and i want to be able to spend some time with him. being flexible does not come naturally to me and as i said to one of the men who call me their sponsor, doing the next right thing, for the right reasons, may not feel as if it really is the next right thing. well, perhaps i spoke too soon, and with that in mind, it is time to hit the streets and get some miles under my belt. oh yeah, part of the reason i am doing all those miles, is to become a better me, warts and all.

∞ DT ∞