Blog entry for:

guilt and failure are not links in an unbreakable chain, they can however be stumbling blocks in my journey to becoming the man i want to be.
this reading is so fVcking appropriate to me this morning, that i almost has a monitor covered with my morning dose of red-eye. the sponsee i worked with yesterday is preparing to do an amend, and as always when i am working with one of those men i sponsor, what i say, i also hear, and these days, nine times out of ten, that means that i too, work the step with them, at least on a very shallow level.
i just thought about that last statement, and the lawyer within, certainly could use that as a loophole to no longer formally work any steps, after all…
i do digress, however, and it is time to get back on track. part of the consequence of being freed from active addiction, to bring in a bit of just for yesterday, is that i GET to see what my real part in the affairs of my world and circle of friends. seeing what my real effect and how i affected the lives of others, is not always the most comfortable thing for me to do. that part of me i call the addict within, uses these glimpses into the depths of my behavior as tools against me, and constructs these long elaborate chains of evidence to tell me how bad i am. after all, if i could do such and such, not that long ago, than this recovery gig is not working, as i am still the same piece of crap as i was when i walked into the rooms and finally accepted a new manner of living.
so when reading such as this pop up in the annual cycle, it gives me the opportunity to asses what i am telling myself. it gives me a chance to stop and listen to what the internal dialogue is focusing on these days. and most importantly it allows me to move form the false humility and ego-driven part of me, back towards the part of me that knows and accepts who i am, just as i am today. who is that, i hear you asking. why just another addict, with another day day clean, doing his best to live the program of recovery he has been given. a human being with assets and liabilities; fears and hopes; and feeling that are beyond his power and understanding. all of that and more, BUT not my own judge, jury and executioner, at least not today. those days are in the past, and can remain so, all i have to do is remember how to live the spiritual principle of humility.
although today is not a day to run, it is a day that i do get to work out with my dawg, so before it gets any warmer outside, i think i will take care of myself and go tour the neighborhood at five miles per hour, just to see what we can see. it is after all a good day to reward myself for making it through to today and to help myself make it through to tomorrow.

∞ DT ∞