Blog entry for:

of my own mind, is far from the state the state ii being i desire today. the good news, is that i am no longer incarcerated there for very long. it is ironic that i was working with one of the men who happen to call me their sponsor about this issue over the past few days. when i left the conversation lst night, i told him that the payoff for using guilt over a mistake was punishment and damnation for being so evil for so long before getting a clue or two in recovery. divine retribution, as it were, being implemented by myself and enforced with extreme prejudice. the reading this morning does not go quite that far, but it follows a similar track. as i stay clean and live a program of active recovery, the message of HOPE i bring, is that even with a bit of clean time, i have to allow myself the freedom to fail and make a mistake or three, and be okay with doing so. one of the joys of being clean, is i get to watch others as they achieve their milestones as well:

David M.
ELEVEN (11) years of being clean 'all day long'!
Congrats my friend, i am glad you found your way back to us.

as i sat last night and considered how i lived my day yesterday, i knew that doing thee next right thing may not have felt that way to the recipient. in fact i am pretty sure it sucked. i know all about how to welcome someone into the rooms, and unfortunately i have had more than enough experience with those who are not “ready” yet. in the rooms, anyone is welcome. entry into my personal and social life for using addicts is a bit more tightly controlled. my life may be in recovery and was given to me, because of recovery, that does not mean that everyone is entitled to be a part off that life. today, i can choose the level of chaos i have in my life and i choose to reduce it. once upon time, i thought that it was my mission to allow anyone in, after i came to the rooms. after all, back in those days i was certain that is was my mission to keep everyone out. today, i am learning to seek balance between those two extremes. which is my mission today.
on a final note, i seem to be acquiring sponsees again. i have FAITH that is how it is supposed to be, but i wonder what is different these days. i could inventory all that i am and spend hours fretting about it, which is often what i want to do, OR i can just accept what is and move along. i thing the latter is my course of action, JUST FOR TODAY.

∞ DT ∞