Blog entry for:

guilt, shame, my need to be forgiven, my need to feel forgiven and my DESIRE to look better than i am feeling are all in the way of me becoming the person i have always wanted to be. the litany of what i can and often do, put in front of doing this gig, just for today, could go on and on and on. the fact of the matter is, it is quite a feat that i have arrived to where i am today, as if i were to make book on it, i would have bet heavily against me ever achieving any sort of long term recovery. the fact of the matter is that the POWER that fuels my recovery and my ability to finally wake-up and smell the coffee, in a spiritual sense, allows me the FREEDOM from active addiction i enjoy today. a bit off topic but something i need to say before i go any further:

David M.
congrats on doing this recovery gig
for ten (10) years of all day long!

today, despite the fact that i am starting a legal battle over the sale of my time-share, i feel okay. i have yet to cross the line into disrespect, at least lately and i am still assertively exercising my rights as stated in the contract i have received. of course, i am conveniently ignoring all the verbal communication as the broker in question doubled down on the contract on Monday afternoon. i could justify and rationalize my actions, but i will not. the time has come to stop letting someone threaten me with a trip to court in New Orleans and start the process of getting my money back. i have already caved once and in this instance there is no more caving for me to do, i just cannot move forward and need to wind this back in. i feel that i “should” be losing all kinds of sleep over this. i feel as if i should be walking around in a constant state of anger and frustration, taking my ire out on all who happen to cross my path and yet, for some strange reason, there is a calm within and a feeling that in the end this will all work out and it will be okay. today, as busy as this day appears to be on paper, i do not feel stressed out and irritable. today i know i am doing the best i can with what i got and “stumbling blocks” be damned, i am moving full speed ahead. today i feel that i can forgive myself for letting greed and desire take me down this path and while the outcome is far from certain, i still feel okay. anyhow, got to run to an appointment for the first stop on my busy day. it is a great day to be clean and hopefully one that i can walk through with a minimum amount of damage to myself and others.

∞ DT ∞