Blog entry for:

progress in my recovery and achieve freedom from guilt.
so yesterday, a person who i once considered a friend, but whom i had to back away from, contacted me and initiated a conversation. the end result was that i agreed to have lunch with them and in my book, see where we are, and if we can restore a relationship that is totally different from the one before. i had been mulling being the one to strike up the conversation, but as my sponsor pointed out when we last spoke of it, and that was not that long ago, it is me, who will have to grow tolerant, as i cannot expect someone to change for me. the reason i bring this up, is this was part of my amends to me tat are still ongoing. i gave myself up in a relationship, for numerous reasons, and when i attempted to alter it, things fell apart and i got angry, carried a resentment and basically walked away, slammed the door and did not look back.
so now, nearly 3 years later, have i really changed enough, to start from scratch and create this particular friendship? the answer to that question, has yet to be determined, but as i return to the whole decision part of STEP THREE, after a quick dip back into STEPS 1 and 2, i am wondering if i can have FAITH about this particular instance of my life, or if i should exercise my will and say thanks but no thanks. the good thing is , i can have FAITH today, allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to take over and see where it leads, as today i am not required to meet or speak with anyone. i am as i have caught myself saying lately “Going with the FLOW!”
this whole surrendering gig, has taken on a life of it's own, i DO however, wish to be free from my past, and the steps can do just that. not just my past from the days of active addiction, that past has been mostly reconciled and i no longer use that to beat myself about the spiritual head and shoulders. no the past i am reconciling is my life in recovery, especially since the last set of steps, but all the stuff i am now stumbling across in the here and now. i am wondering if i am truly being open to the possibility that i can be friends with this person, or just setting myself and them up for the fall once more. i am a great revisionist of my past, it is only through the lens of the STEPS that i catch a glimpse of the truth, or should i say the TRUTH about who i am and where i may be going.
the flow, as it were, seems to be going in a more social and connected me. i would have never believed i was ready for such a shift, and i even whined about it to my sponsor, “i seem to want to be more connected and yet i feel i lack the capacity to accept the number of connections, both intimate and personal, that i am fostering.”
yet, as i move down the road to acceptance and letting go, i am finding the capacity that i think i lack. i said no last night and it is not the first time in recent history that i word has left my mouth. i also have said yes, to accepting the help of others, as loathsome as that feels at times to me. most of all i am listening. listening to that quiet voice within, that is part of my recovery. listening to that shrill voice within that is not and listening to what is being said around me for the clues i need to move on with my life today. the end result is that i have come to believe that i can be restores to a state of sanity that was never part of my story. that i can trust i will get what i NEED and that in the long run it may match just what i WANT.
anyhow, all that aside, i have the means at my disposal to become free from the guilt that colors my relationships, and today that is through forgiving myself the harms i have done to myself in active recovery. recovery has limited the amount but not the scope, as some of it is toxic and could quite easily be turned into shame. it is a good day to be alive, and to be clean, and as much as i would love to run today, today is a brisk walk workout. i have some physical damage that is healing and needs time as well. i am grateful i can see that today and perhaps, if i allow it, i will be cared for by the POWER that fuels my recovery.

∞ DT ∞