Blog entry for:

only in reality. lately i have been writing about the stories i tell myself that keep stuck in the untenable fantasy that emerged from active addiction. the themes of self-abuse and abasement, recur with such regularity in this treasure trove of shame, that i am finally beginning to think, i can never get any “weller.” before i dive too much deeper into that theme, a word of hope:

David M
EIGHT Years
2922 Just for Todays in a row
Congrats, my friend and keep coming back.

back to the drudge, as it were. i have come to see it as being fortuitous, that over the past two Augusts, i have been smack dab in the middle of step work. Step 11 last year and Step 12 this one. it is not as if i was not doing step work in the previous years, but these two steps seem to be more than fitting for this time of year. the here and now that keeps me from going off the deep end, especially when i start spinning the yarn of: “how far i have not come” and “i should be better than this, by now.” today, on the morning after a busy and emotional weekend, i can feel grateful, sort of, that i have started, sort of, to forgive myself and actually feel it. yes, i know, all those qualifiers in there, and are they there because they are actually needed or are they there, so i can sound “humble?”
what i am starting to feel, is that most of the time, i really do feel forgiven. the evidence of that is abundant throughout my life. this very weekend is just more pieces in that chain stretching back through the day i became a member, through my clean date, back to that Thursday evening in February when i decided to walk into these rooms and see what this recovery gig was all about. the fact that it was over six months until i finally got clean and two years before i finally accepted STEP ONE, is totally irrelevant, the fact is, as i told a sponsee yesterday, i am where i am today, BECAUSE of the path i took to get here, not despite it. ironically, on that February evening, i was clueless about where i was going and had little indication that it would be jail, treatment, community corrections, treatment and finally 'workenders', before i finally began to surrender. it would be almost another entire set of steps later until i would wake up and start to learn to be present and two sets more before i started to feel a part of the world around me. one might say, that when it comes to growth and enlightenment, i am a bit of a slow learner.

😁

this morning, i am feeling forgiven and if i was to put a value judgement upon that feeling i would say it feels “good.” before i get maudlin or dark, i think i will just shuffle off to my next destination,: the shower and off to work. it is a good day to be clean and even a better day to let those pieces of fiction that play in my head, go.

∞ DT ∞