Blog entry for:

first, i remember that guilt and failure are not links in an unbreakable chain. this is especially important for me today, as i was the only one on my last or perhaps better put recently added to my 9th Step list. of course, making an amends to myself, is not something that i can put off because i see me every day. nor can i wiggle out of this by saying making a direct amends to myself would cause greater harm. so i am stuck making this amends. this reading, however is not about the making part, no sirree bob! this is about accepting my amends to myself. that is the tricky part, especially when one has come far enough down the road, that he has accepted all the blame for the the things he did in his active addiction, and even for those things he did while he was clean, but living in a state of active addiction, no matter how briefly. that last statement goes back to what i wrote about yesterday, and yes, i do consider that it is entirely possible for me, to be clean, but living in a state of active addiction, however that is not something i can put off on to anyone else.
exactly what am i talking about? well for one, i no longer consider addiction, the disease of addiction or the addict within, to be a separate part of who i am. nor do i consider myself to be a victim of multi-personality disorder. i am learning how to be a whole and complete person, and the part of me that has been labeled a disease or what have you, is just that part of the greater whole, and something that i have finally come to terms with. it was not some foreign influence that was out to kill me, it was me. that sort of thinking eliminates a whole bunch of tap dancing and spin, but creates problems of its own, namely the topic of this brain dump and the reading this morning. so if it was me, who was the root and agent of my self-destruction, how can i forgive myself of all those terrible things i did to myself.
the answer, quite simply, is one day at a time! PSYCHE! here you thought i was going to come up with something deep and esoteric.
i know, that sounds like a cop-out and it may be. that brings us back to the top, this whole topic gets convoluted and twisty as i get deeper into it.
-- my amends to myself? -- living a life where i harm myself less.
-- how do i forgive myself? -- look for the preponderance of the evidence that i am actually living a life where i harm myself less.
-- the result? -- that is determined day by day in the process of my 10th Step.honestly, for the first time in my recovery -- i am becoming forgiving of myself, and putting the past behind me, as well as looking forward to what the journey may bring.
so anyhow, my head is spinning, and if i spoke about myself and this topic in the third person, it probably would have been easier, i do not need or want that sort of detachment today, so head spinning is the result or consequence, depending on my point of view. so before i get to dizzy, it is off to correct a mistake, or misstep i did yesterday and find out how long my new running route really is. so until next time -- have fun and most of all be kind to yourself, after all, you are all that you have for certain.

∞ DT ∞