Blog entry for:

a sense of reason and purpose in my once purposeless life; and i am given the inner direction and strength i need to begin a new way of life.
i was commenting to a few members last night after the meeting that my annual thirty day craziness has already commenced. that is correct, every year, just before my clean date anniversary i get so squirrelly that i choose not to share at all. well i do believe i am mistaken this time. i do not believe this morning that i am in the midst of the insanity that proceeds my clean date anni8versary, rather i am at the end of a huge growth spurt. as a result, it feels like the earth has shifted under my feet and my internal landscape is foreign and without any familiar landmarks. a nice mataphor for what i feel lately, and there is one landmark that is ever present, that is the LOVE that is given to me by the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS. the love that the reading was referring to, that has always been there. the best part of this reading for this morning is that it reminded me of a thought i had when another addict shared about the nature of his Higher Power last night.
he said," my HIGHER POWER only requires a mustard seed of faith."
my thought was that the POWER that provides for all my needs requires absolutely nothing from me. the evidence of that, is that in all my years of active addiction i did not end-up dead, locked up, or in an institution. all of that happened after i attended my first meeting and was trying to stay clean on my own power. the irony of that is when i finally asked for help, there at the end, the solution was provided. it was not the solution that i would have liked, but extreme circumstances call for extreme solutions, and although i was not ready for recovery, the LOVE of a HIGHER POWER kept hammering away at the ever so fragile wall i had constructed between myself and the bleak internal landscape that was my reality in those days.
so here i sit thirty-two days away from my clean date anniversary, in awe of the miracle of life i have been given. no i am not just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and i am coming to believe that a life in recovery is my reality. the changes inside are just that, changes that i need to explore and adapt to. to date, the LOVE that i have been given has allowed me to become more than i ever was, and although i do not know where that path is leading, i am content realizing that the same LOVE that got me started on this path, will continue to provide me tools and things i NEED to continue along this path. my choice today is to live up to my third step decion and accept that LOVE. so off to the showers and into the real world, to see what i can bring to those who are relying on me.

∞ DT ∞