Blog entry for:

from the hopeless desperation. it is the power of the POWER that fuels my recovery, that gives me that freedom, and time and again, i fall back into the trap that in my spiritual tradition that POWER lacks human attributes and is beyond that sort of thing, love as defined as a human emotion that is. well after a shower and a phone call and some of the other stuff i find exceedingly more important on Sunday mornings,m i can finally get down to what i have been feeling the past 14 hours.
i was asked to do something that entails a commitment last night, and although most of the time, that sort of request is a quick “yes” or “no” answer, this one required running it through my TENTH and ELEVENTH STEPS, before i could even begin to start to make a decision. what i wanted to do was listen for my will,my true will and finally the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery was in this instance. truthfully they did not all instantly align and when i went to bed last night i was almost certain of what the answer was going to be. ironically that answer has shifted over the course of the past fourteen hours and i know what it will be, and yes when i get down to it, self-will loses. that is not to say that this decision is not fraught with peril, in fact in my head i see a “HERE BE DRAGONS” notation on the road-map. be that as it may, it will be what it will be and the time to move on from indecision is here.
so if i do not see the POWER that fuels my recovery as being able to “love” how do i carry on, especially when all about me is the talk of GOD's love? quite simply, as i know my needs are being met, and whether or not that is part of the POWER that fuels my recovery or not, it does not matter. the abundance i have been given is not necessarily quantifiable in human terms, but is certainly evident in my life, and if one chooses to look at that as GOD's love or not, it really does not matter in the long run. what i am coming down to, is feeling my way through the assignment that i was given, and am starting to get a glimpse of how i see things and how my peers see things converge, rather sitting on the horns of a dilemma that i choose to manufacture. in fact, more and more i am seeing it is more like my peers and less off in the esoteric world of hermits, monks, caves and asceticism. i am seeing that what i feel, does apply and sooner rather than later i will be able to give my “elevator pitch” to the masses.
anyhow, due to the delay in my permanent position i do have some work to doi to polish up my skills, no gaming for me today! after all, IF i want more than i have to do more and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to give me more or whatever it takes to stay clean, and thrive today.

∞ DT ∞