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tolerance with an open heart or through gritted teeth, it helps prevent me from acting out in fear or anger. one of my goals each and every day, at least these days, is to be just a bit more tolerant than i was yesterday. although this is a qualitative rather than a quantitative measure, there are certainly symptoms of better behavior leading to better thinking in this instance. i do not see intolerance or judgemental as character defects. as evidenced by my own behavior, i can stop moving down that path and reevaluate the situation to see why i am being “triggered.” i have to admit, i hate that term, well both of them, character defects and triggers, but they certainly are apt descriptions. what i often find, is as suggested by the source material, what i find intolerable in others are the same things i find intolerable in myself. the source material also suggest a way out through self-acceptance and that is a notion i can latch on to.
looking at my day, there are a lot of things i wish to accomplish, in work, in my personal life, in preparation of heading out to a camp-out and just plain enjoyment. as i sat this morning, i kept having stupid fantasy daydreams and the harder i attempted to suppress the more the bubbled up and took over. when i finally gave in and allowed one to play out <BOOM> i was finally able to reach the void i seek on a daily basis. for me, that was intolerable and the lesson i learned was that when i find myself doing something i find intolerable, i might have to stop and see if it is really hurting me or anyone else, and if not, maybe it is not so bad after all. that same lesson applies to those i run across in my daily life. MAGAt Mike as i call him, is one of the most miserable people i have had the pleasure to interact with at the cigar store. his politics aside, he is just a bundle of resentments that ooze out of every pore. i have many acquaintances and even some friend who share his political leanings and yet i have found the ways and means to let them be themselves. him, however, i just get up and move away from, as if he was contagious. he just might be, as i have seen misery spread like a plague in groups of folks before, and i was often patient zero. perhaps that is where the issue lies. i no longer enjoy making others miserable to make myself feel better, no matter how low i may go. i certainly have some guilt and remorse over that behavior in active addiction, in mere abstinence and once i started the recovery process. there might even be a bit of shame rolling around, certainly food for thought.
maybe, ,just maybe, i might find the ways and means to forgive myself for who i was, celebrate who i am and live in the sunlight of the spiritual principles that have been given to me by my predecessors. certainly a great path to trod upon, just for today.

∞ DT ∞