โฅ i am conscious of the guidance and strength within me ,
Posted: Thu, Aug 9, 2012 08:33:52 AM
that is part of the POWER that fuels my recovery. today, i claim it for my own. call it love, call it wisdom, call it whatever you will, today i call it my strength and my inspiration, to get up and face another day.
yesterday was a mixed day. frustrating because every time i turned around i had to add a new dongle on to the project i am currently writing and come this weekend, i will be trimming and tightening everything up, seeing which of those dongles and shims will become full-fledged members of the final product and which are just use]less appendages that i wrote for expediency as i am rushing to get something, anything out of the door. then i went to a meeting and man oh man was the judge, jury and executioner present. he ripped just about everyone who shared to teeny tiny pieces, i mean get that the most self-entitled person in the room would be sharing about personal responsibility, after all, they want everyone to see them for what they are not.
where was the POWER that fuels my recovery last night, when i tired and hungry and quickly became angry? right there, it was self-will that kept me from feeling that POWER and it was self-will that kept me from practicing the love and tolerance that i aspire to, most of the time. it is also starting to appear, that my grace from STEP FIVE is nearly exhausted and as painful as it may be, STEP SIX needs my attention, but not today.
generally, when i get to this reading, i talk about how i led a nearly charmed life, and something had to be saving me for recovery. inevitably it comes down to the POWER that fuels my recovery was there, long before i recognized IT and accepted IT into my life, today i accept that I AM. today, there is no reason that i can fathom, why i did not die the hundreds of times i came close, through actions or in actions of myself or others. most of time i have to delve deep into how things work, but today, in this case, i can just accept, that i made it to recovery and my job is to take what i have been given and continue to be given and use it to the best of my ability. oh yeah, in the middle of everything that happened yesterday, i got an appointment for an interview on Friday, a huge new project that i declined and two sales position offers. so the world is shifting into a configuration that i can more easily grasp. IF i must look for a reward for going through what i did, or ascribe divine reasons for all that has happened, and perhaps right now i do, i can say that i NEEDED to leave Denver, and the only way i was going to get out of there was into a contract that vanished as quickly as it came, back into thin air and a puff of smoke.
as i get towards the bottom of this entry\, i am struck by the seed that i chose. i mean the reading was all about love and i went with the guidance and strength. it could be just being a guy. what i think it is, is that guidance and strength are the results of that love and this morning i am more focused on rewards than the source of those rewards.
there does come a time, when i have to stop rambling and move on, which for me, is some miles on the road while it is still in the 60's. it is true, for some reason or by random chance i was preserved to come to recovery and take a modicum of control of my life. it is also true, that once i let go and did all that i could do, to honor and cherish the gift of recovery, i got grateful and had stuff, spiritual and ,material, to be grateful for. the targets of my malice last night? well other than a few catty remarks, only suffered damage in my own head, maybe some day they will get what i am slowly coming to, that no matter HOW i want to look, most of the time, everyone sees me just the way i am, warts and all! so i might as well stop trying to be something that i am not. it is a good day to recover.
yesterday was a mixed day. frustrating because every time i turned around i had to add a new dongle on to the project i am currently writing and come this weekend, i will be trimming and tightening everything up, seeing which of those dongles and shims will become full-fledged members of the final product and which are just use]less appendages that i wrote for expediency as i am rushing to get something, anything out of the door. then i went to a meeting and man oh man was the judge, jury and executioner present. he ripped just about everyone who shared to teeny tiny pieces, i mean get that the most self-entitled person in the room would be sharing about personal responsibility, after all, they want everyone to see them for what they are not.
where was the POWER that fuels my recovery last night, when i tired and hungry and quickly became angry? right there, it was self-will that kept me from feeling that POWER and it was self-will that kept me from practicing the love and tolerance that i aspire to, most of the time. it is also starting to appear, that my grace from STEP FIVE is nearly exhausted and as painful as it may be, STEP SIX needs my attention, but not today.
generally, when i get to this reading, i talk about how i led a nearly charmed life, and something had to be saving me for recovery. inevitably it comes down to the POWER that fuels my recovery was there, long before i recognized IT and accepted IT into my life, today i accept that I AM. today, there is no reason that i can fathom, why i did not die the hundreds of times i came close, through actions or in actions of myself or others. most of time i have to delve deep into how things work, but today, in this case, i can just accept, that i made it to recovery and my job is to take what i have been given and continue to be given and use it to the best of my ability. oh yeah, in the middle of everything that happened yesterday, i got an appointment for an interview on Friday, a huge new project that i declined and two sales position offers. so the world is shifting into a configuration that i can more easily grasp. IF i must look for a reward for going through what i did, or ascribe divine reasons for all that has happened, and perhaps right now i do, i can say that i NEEDED to leave Denver, and the only way i was going to get out of there was into a contract that vanished as quickly as it came, back into thin air and a puff of smoke.
as i get towards the bottom of this entry\, i am struck by the seed that i chose. i mean the reading was all about love and i went with the guidance and strength. it could be just being a guy. what i think it is, is that guidance and strength are the results of that love and this morning i am more focused on rewards than the source of those rewards.
there does come a time, when i have to stop rambling and move on, which for me, is some miles on the road while it is still in the 60's. it is true, for some reason or by random chance i was preserved to come to recovery and take a modicum of control of my life. it is also true, that once i let go and did all that i could do, to honor and cherish the gift of recovery, i got grateful and had stuff, spiritual and ,material, to be grateful for. the targets of my malice last night? well other than a few catty remarks, only suffered damage in my own head, maybe some day they will get what i am slowly coming to, that no matter HOW i want to look, most of the time, everyone sees me just the way i am, warts and all! so i might as well stop trying to be something that i am not. it is a good day to recover.
∞ DT ∞