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that drives my recovery, call it what you will. this morning i am okay with allowing myself to use the vernacular of my fellowship and call it love and recognize the source of that love is a HIGHER POWER that i will choose to call GOD, at least for this little bit of random brain waves. the caveat here is that in my current misunderstanding of all things spiritual, neither of those terms fit very well. it will be interesting to see how i sidestep this issue, this afternoon, but i will leave that to then, right here and right now, let me go down the path that i have already started to trod upon. i often say the POWER that fuels my recovery, so within this context that POWER is GOD and the fuel that GOD provides, could very well be called LOVE.
i know that some POWER kept me alive long enough to get coerced into learning to live life in a new manner. i also know that the concern and care of my peers in the fellowship, kept me coming back, long after the desire to use had been lifted and my legal troubles had been resolved. my reason for being here, now, is because i happen to find the consequences of staying far superior to the consequences of my leaving. here i have people who love and respect me and actually care for my well-being. more importantly here i have people i can love and respect and for who's well-being, i care for as well. those actions and feelings, look like an expression of GOD'\'s love to me and do not require semantic tricks, to make them fit into how i see the world around me. i am far from a fan of fate or “the devil made me do it,” kind of arguments. yet, here i sit, writing about stuff that i cannot see and barely explain and wondering how the heck i ever got here. people like me just do not get clean, stay clean and learn to live in a new manner. the simplest explanation would be that the POWER of GOD's love preserved me through my active addiction, provided the kick in the a$$ to get me to a place where i wanted more and provides me the incentive to LIVE a program of active recovery, just for today. all of which goes directly to the theme of the reading that SOMETHING outside of me, provides me the power to transform my life into something it was not.
so the re-fi banking nightmare took a turn for the better yesterday, after i no longer could stand it. of course the company that has been treating us so shabbily came back with a better offer, still not a very good one, but much better that before. we also opened up an inquiry with our current lenders as they seem to be better at stating what the “actual” costs are and seem to be more willing to work with us. during the next twenty-four hours, something will need to be decided and although i am leaning towards staying where we are, right here and right now, we will see what the e-mail drags in. it is a good day to be clean and feel the transforming power of GOD's love, regardless of what i end up calling it.

∞ DT ∞