Blog entry for:

the hopeless, desperate cycle of using, self-hatred, and more using.
the longer i stay clean, the less i need to rely on an anthropomorphic vision of the POWER that fuels my recovery. in short, i am less and less a GOD guy these days, and more and more a HIGHER POWER guy. what has not come back is my contempt for those of my friends and peers, who need to package that POWER into something that they can grasp, by attributing human emotions, reactions and attributes to that concept and calling it GOD. for them., that works, but for me, well it smacks of intentionally dumbing myself down to fit in the mainstream of my peers. been there, done that, got the “T” shirt. so when i come across reading such as these, at least today, i find myself trying reconcile what they say, with how i see the world. i have FAITH, that some POWER greater than me and the part of me i call addiction is fueling my recovery. one could call that expression of power, LOVE and for lack of a better term, i could and do use it, but that sort of power, is nothing like the emotion and physical response that i as a human being, call love, and that is where the mental gymnastics start. it would be so much simpler for me, to just be like some of my friends and peers and accept without looking and thinking, that would however not be true to myself. i am a person who continues to seek the answers for questions that others just take on FAITH, hence writing about what GOD's love is or is not, through my eyes.
this i can say without reservation: the fact that i have to opportunity to obtain all that i need, and much of what i want, is an expression of some sort of power or synergy in my life. the fact that those opportunities were always there, certainly fits with the idea behind the reading this morning. i can see that now that i have some time clean, and am no longer trying to conform to the mainstream look at the world beyond the mundane. for a strident and often radical non-conformist, i sure do my best to conform, so i can fit in. as i continue to grow, i am coming to see, that all of this GOD talk, comes from a time, when such thinking was not actively encouraged and from a fellowship that is steeped in the religion of the men who started it. as i grow up, i can walk away from those ideas, without derision or contempt and see that what it is for others, it needs not be for me. i have a POWER that fuels my recovery, and if i was to ascribe a human attribute such as will to IT, i would IT's will for me, is to stay clean today. to that end, that POWER provides me with the opportunities to obtain everything i need to make that happen. when i am present and paying attention, i get to CHOOSE to avail, myself to those opportunities and as a result align my will with the will of that POWER. which i guess is my way of bringing the concept of LOVE into the belief system i have constructed over the course of my recovery.
it is however, time to get rolling down the road. i am certain that if i pay attention, i will see more evidence of that POWER working in my life as my day progresses.

∞ DT ∞