Blog entry for:

the aid or assistance from of a Higher Power, and yet, somehow i was given aid anyway.
as i have stated before, this whole HIGHER POWERED gig, was something that i had difficulty accepting when i was getting clean, when i first got clean, and from time to time across the course of my ongoing recovery. right here and right now, i am certain that there is a POWER that is keeping me clean, that i choose to call the POWER that fuels my recovery. as that understanding devolves, evolves or otherwise changes, i have varying degrees of difficulty with calling coincidence miraculous and vice versa. what i do know is that more than once i did not die or seriously injury myself in the course of my active addiction. with the lifestyle i lived, which included extreme risk taking and seriously large doses of substances ingested through means where there was little recourse or the chance to be saved, the fact that i here this morning writing about those days, is in and of itself inexplicable, and certainly can be chalked up to the loving care of a POWER that i once could not and would not see. when i go down these spiritual paths, the rational part of me, does not want to look at that part of living that is beyond explanation, there is however more than a bit of truth to the old Shakespeare quote: “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”
now of course, i could get all spooky and mysterious, BUT that dear friends is one of my biggest peeves against organized religion. the whole ‘GOD works in mysterious ways’ and the ilk that is spawned from that line, gets panties twisted in a bun even to this day. there is so much that is beyond my understanding and day by day, i discover how much more there is that I DO NOT KNOW. how the POWER that fuels my recovery works and why that POWER does what IT does, is to me, more confusing day by day. the less i seem to know, the more i have to accept. the more i accept the less i have to know, and that feedback cycle, once put into place and activated leads me down that mysterious path, that is the core of how i stay clean today. i need not question why some of get this and others do not. i need not question why good people die, and evil is all all around us. i need not question why the universe, life and everything is as it is. all of that is irrelevant, because i GET WHAT NEED, when i allow it to be given to me. as i grow in my FAITH, the silly little details such as did human kind evolve or did we all descend from a single pair of humans, becomes so irrelevant that they begin to appear ludicrous. which, ironically enough begins to leads me back to where i started, that all these arguments about FAITH and the nature of the DIVINE are pointless and not worth my effort to engage in. where once that came from a place of contempt, now it comes from a place of understanding and integration of the spiritual into the mundane. will i EVER believe that things just are, without a preponderance of evidence? probably not. will i ever use the word miraculous as a substitute for coincidental, once again probably not. all i KNOW, is that across the course of my active addiction, my struggles to get clean and my recovery there have been events that have happened that defy rational explanations. is that proof of the DIVINE? no as it is all so subjective, BUT the converse is not true either. a rational explanation for all the inexplicable events would not disprove existence of the DIVINE. being back at square one, is really not a bad place, now that i think of it. the truth is, that i am not really back there, but in another dimension far beyond where i came from. i CHOOSE not to engage in this argument, as i have arrived at a place of FAITH, things just are: good, evil, beneficial, harmful or totally neutral. they are how they because that is the way it is. some of us will realize what we need and find recovery, others will noodle around the edges, waiting to be drop-kicked one way or the other, and even more will live out their lives in the darkness of active addiction. who gets to be here is not my choice. my choice is to rejoice in the fact that i made it here. i let go of enough of my stuff to accept this path, and i, do what i can to foster my growth along this path. all else is irrelevant and not worth my time to ponder.
dark? maybe. cynical? not really. it is just a statement of fact as cold hard facts often seem dark and cynical, especially when i choose to twist them that way. for me, this is the light and the HOPE. here is a rational agnostic who prays and listens for answers to his prayers every single day. that same person now believes that he is POWERLESS over addiction and only a HIGHER POWER can keep him clean. most importantly, he believes that he can and will get what he NEEDS today, all he has to do is pay attention and BOOM there it will be. so walking in FAITH, as ignorant as it once seems to me, is the intelligent choice for this addict and running with that, the time has come to do just that, hit the streets and run.
so into the light i go!

∞ DT ∞