Blog entry for:

just waiting for me to accept it. that love is the transforming power that drives my recovery. so quite honestly, this is one of those readings, that even after i read it, i am unsure about how it will affect me. sometimes, i get angry at all the seemingly superstitious smoke and mirrors that the program appears to rely upon. other days, i feel like a good soldier, parroting the standard party line, and leaving any critical thinking skills in the bit bucket to be consumed by the vast void of oblivion.
so playing the being present for my feelings game, to the best of my ability, today i my feelings are a mixed lot. i know that the whole HIGHER POWER issue is a red herring this morning, part of the sophisticated argument the part of me i call addiction uses against the part of me that wants to recover. long ago, i accepted that there is some Force that provides means for me to stay clean today, as i proved over and power again to myself, that i lack that innate ability. so if i accept that part of the deal, why is it so hard to accept that POWER loves and cares for me? why does it feel like i am reverting to an ignorant, superstitious peasant when i accept the entire package?
i will tell you why! since the last time i formally worked STEP ELEVEN, i have continued to strip off all the human characteristics from my concept of what my HIGHER POWER is and is not. so here we come back to a human emotion, after all, only humans love. science is beginning to see that attraction is the result of body chemistry and evolutionary hard-wiring. love it appears is an acclimatization to those cues, so even love is falling to the scalpel of rational explanation. so how can something as infinite and powerful as a HIGHER POWER be susceptible to such mundane physical responses? that is the hook that starts the whole process reeling. i can ignore such incongruities and march to the party beat or accept them as proof that this is all just a myth and that i can return to using without consequences at anytime, after all, it has been over a decade since i last used. there is however much territory in between for me to fall within today, and to use quite comfortably without succumbing to the spin or sophistry of the two extremes presented above.
this morning here is where this whole discussion takes me. okay love is a human emotion, and showing love is a physical response to that emotion. something, some force preserved me through my active addiction, for whatever reasons or motives, even if it was just random chance i survived and was forcibly set upon the path of recovery. from my oh so human perspective, that appears to be love. since i am incapable of adequately explaining how is see the POWER that keeps me clean, the closest equivalent in my experience is the act of showing love for me. even though that may miss the mark by miles, it is the best i can do with my limited human descriptive abilities. the problem here is not whether or not a HIGHER POWER loves and cares for me, it is that i lack the ability to truly describe what i see and feel, so i am forced to resort to the language that strikes me as superstitious clap-trap, even though in my heart of hearts, it is not what i think and feel, and that at times drives me fVcking nuts!
where does that leave me? well i am certain this morning that there is an overall design to the universe. i am certain today that i have a part to play within that design. most importantly, that part in the scheme of things, includes my recovery journey, so if it happens to be a HIGHER POWER's love for me, or something entirely beyond my ken. i know that if i am present for what is going on, i will be given all that i need to stay clean today and further my path towards becoming the man i have always wanted to be. anyhow it is past time for me and my dawg Odin, to go tour the neighborhood. i can step out this morning secure in the knowledge that i can accept that love or whatever as the driving force behind my recovery, and allow myself the freedom to act with the confidence that, just for today, i can recover and be more than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞