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the hopeless, desperate cycle of using, and self-hatred, was not something i ever thought i needed. the reading speaks of the power of GOD*s love, that kept me alive, despite my best efforts to go out with a BIG BANG. when i hear that i end up going down a rabbit hole or three about destiny, fate and being “chosen.” more than once i have railed against such a notion and more than once, i have to come back to the fact that i did not die at my own hand and whether or not that was dumb luck or the POWER that fuels my recovery's protection, does not matter today. something brought me into the rooms and whatever that something was, is not what i am all about this early Sunday afternoon.
looking at the facts of my life today, i can accept responsibility for my life and yes my recovery. i accept that i have no power over addiction, in all its manifestations in my life. i accept that i am an addict and in need of some POWER that is greater than i am and more powerful than addiction, it really is that simple. i also accept that if i do not do what has been suggested to me, no power will keep me clean, as addiction will eventually take over and i will use again.
i am also powerless over the cancer that is growing in my prostate and the fact that COVID-19 is everywhere and unless i lock down and stay home, chances are that i will pick it up, mask or no mask. i could live in abject FEAR about those two facts of my life, or i can place a little FAITH in the actions inspired by the POWER that fuels my recovery, to live my life, to the fullest and do what is suggested to minimize my plight.
moving into a state of forgiving myself for the time i lost to active addiction and the toll it took on my physical, emotional and spiritual selves, is part of feeling the love GOD has given me today. if i can feel it, i can implement it and i have been doing so, for moire than a few days in a row. taking care of my physical self is the manifestation of the love in my life. allowing the POWER that fuels m y recovery to take care of my spiritual self, creates a situation where those two actions, take care of my emotional self. the loop is closed and is self-sustaining, as long as i let that POWER into my life. just for today, i will be okay with accepting any power into m y life that allows me the freedom to live in the manner i have become accustomed to living.

∞ DT ∞