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and the conflict it generates in my life is to break my reliance on ego.
i probably have thought of this before, but this morning the whole ego driving self-will part of this message rings the loudest in my ears. i have heard it said many times before that as an addict i am, self-obsessed and selfish. the self part of both of those character traits points straight to ego, however, i like to be oblivious to things whenever it is possible. after all ignorance is bliss! well in this case perhaps it is not. in my brief experience walking this path, as i gained more insight into who and what i am, i have found less peace and serenity in being ignorant as to what i am doing. in fact it is quite disturbing to be the last one to know how f*cked up i really am, and that is most often the case. yargh!!! so anyhow, it was my reliance on self-will that allowed me to survive the years of active addiction, on that point i am entirely clear. however, the years of active addiction are behind me, or ahead of me, well at least are absent from my life today, so exactly what is self-will protecting my ever so fragile ego from these days? the answer to that question is one that would solve many riddles in the twisted paths of my mind, but that answer is not forthcoming today. in fact i have come to look at that answer as one of those internal and eternal mysteries that i just need too chip away at, one thought, one moment, and one day at a time. so what part of that mystery to i see today? well for one, one of my greatest fears is not being able to live up to the expectations of those who love me and depend on me. so i have to manipulate the situations in my life, forcing self-will to take control just to be sure that i can live up to all of those unstated expectations. instead of asking what those people expect of me today, i would rather imagine and move according to those imagined expectations, so i look all that much better by filling their unspoken expectations. my ego wants to look good, and is unconcerned about feeling good, after all, i am meant to suffer.
so on that happy note it is time to say BULLSH*T, let go of some my self-obsession and get ready to face the day. yes i see where i am going on this set of steps now, and although the path to that particular way point on my recovery journey has yet to reveal itself, i can rest assured that it is going to take me to a place of being more self-assured and less reliant on my ever so fragile ego. today in can let go of a bit of self will and live in the moment. so TTFN!

∞ DT ∞