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ah this could be a cautionary tale about how it was the best of times, at was the worst of times, as i had two, count them, two of my peers on my mind last night, as i sat and did my 10TH Step. in both of them, i recognize elements of their personalities that are almost exact duplicates of parts of me. in both of them, i have seen behaviors that are part and parcel for me be manifest in the real world. as i sat last night, my concern was whether i was demonizing them to make myself feel better, or out of envy and jealousy. although i “got” no answers in that exercise, i certainly received a bit of guidance this morning, and i am going to go with my gut on this, instead of my head. what i “heard” this morning, is to walk away,. allow myself to see what is happening in their lives today, and let the past be the past. yes i want to gloat about “how the mighty have fallen,” or warn that just because something has not happened does not mean it is because there is insufficient evidence.
what i heard last night and this morning, was that IF i choose to behave in my default “know-it-all” or “i-told-you-so,” manner, i would not accomplish what i was certain i needed to accomplish in the first place. in fact, anything i would say to either of those peers, would be driven by self-will and ego, as i do NOT have any additional insight into their current states of being. everything i thought i NEEDED to say last night, looks like self-will and the means to exercise one of my shortcomings that arises out of my low self-esteem. all of that need, is based on their past behaviors and my opinion of who and what they were and not necessarily what they are. although using terms such as “quality recovery,” certainly feeds the notion that my judgement may not be that far off the mark.
i, myself, after writing obliquely about others, am quite certain that my ego still looms large in my life, and in reality i have no problem with that. it is certainly just how things are today. i am however, grateful that what seemed like such a brilliant go-to idea at the end of my day, is seen in a totally different light in the AM. it certainly is a reflection as to how those steps play out in my life. STEP 10 is all about me, STEP 11 is all about the POWER that fuels my recovery and STEP 12 is all about everyone else. as i move forward into today, i am quite certain, that more will be revealed. i am more certain that i do not have an inside track to serenity nor the answers to much of anything, but i DO have a program of active recovery, that has the ability to diminish my reliance on ego and self. that framework for living is certainly a much better one than the one i walked into recovery with, way back when and i am grateful that i am open-minded enough to allow alien and foreign ideas such as humility and selflessness, creep into my life, at least just for tight now. the world beckons, though, so let me see how long that will last!

∞ DT ∞