Blog entry for:

of what recovery has to offer, as a result of finally detecting the difference between passion and self-will. for more than a few days in my recovery journey, i lived in self-will and told myself, over and over again, that i had great ideas and i was passionate not willful. i knew what was best for me, my life, my local fellowship, my area, my region and of course the newcomer. i disregarded the “suggestions” that i was offered and plowed forward on my “mission” from “on high.” needless to say, i did not attract many “fans,” and today i am grateful that any damage i may have done to any and all of those aforementioned groups was offset by the actions of cooler, calmer and much wiser members. doing my best to get on and stay on the “A” team, did nothing to boost my self-esteem or guide me from a path of self-deprecation, in fact more than likely, it extended the amount of time, i was isolated from the connections i required to fully become a part of the fellowship that has given me a new way of life. i could go on, with many other examples of living on self-will and havoc it wreaked in my life, but that example is more than adequate to illustrate my journey towards today and becoming the person i never dreamed i could be.
it was spooky to actually look at my part in the isolation and alienation i caused in those days. in making a “name” for myself, all i got was more stuff to look at, the next time i worked through the steps. what i discovered was that even though i walked as-if i was confident, self-assured and wise beyond my clean days, the reality was i was scared sh!tless of being found out as a fraud. wanting to be more and actually progressing towards being more, are two different paths and i deluded myself to thinking that if i showed up and was the loudest in any situation, my voice would be carried above the noise of the crowd. what i have learned instead is that being correct and demanding i am seen as being correct, are not the same thing. i am grateful for a sponsor who actually paid attention to what i was saying and doing and could and did guide me through the process of steps, so i could find a place where self-will was not the driving force in my life.
okay, before i start developing stigmata and performing a miracles or three, the fact is, i am still an addict. i still have “issues” with who i think i am and who i want everyone else to think i am and i am far from being “cured” by any means. the measure of my success is not my bank balance, the things i have accomplished or how busy i am living life outside the rooms. no i measure my success, each and every day, by looking at how far i progressed into being the man i want to be. i do not need to “prove” to anyone else, how well i am doing, as how i choose to live my life is a better indicator of how well i am doing, than taking on “projects” and railing against the collective wisdom of my peers. today i am okay, with being quiet and just doing the next right thing,whether or not anyone “catches” in the act, as it were. today, i am certainly okay with knowing that there is a sh!t ton of stuff i do not know and that IF i open my mind and my ears, i will have yet another opportunity to learn at least one new thing, or a new take on something i already thought i knew. it is a good day to put aside my obsession with me and seek a path that leads to becoming more than a collection of character defects and shortcomings.

∞ DT ∞