Blog entry for:

just as unmanageable as it was when i was using.
an interesting thought and one that for some strange reason takes me back to what someone said a few days ago: namely that one need to feel emotional pain, in order to feel joy. my whole gig when i was using, was to augment the side-effect of emotional balance. i gladly gave up joy, so i would not have to feel emotional pain, and the emotional middle ground was quite a nice place for me to be. so in a sense, even back then, steeped in self-will, i recognized joy and pain were inextricably linked, at least for me.
moving on, quite a bit has happened since i started writing this, lots of stuff to do, and miles to go before i sleep tonight and yet i am curiously unstressed. today i can let go of the outcome, because i actually took care of most of the details as part of my preparation for the journey i am about to embark upon, so for right now, no self-will needs to be exercised.
so then, the next topic of bidness, seems to come down to manageability. is my life a mess today? that of course is a matter of relativity. thinking about where i was all those days ago, and where i am today, the answer has to be a big NOT. it is true, that i have been on a daily journey to discover what it is in my day that brings me joy. what my payoff is for the stuff i do. as i have incorporated those very questions into my daily inventory, i am finding that the neutral, so-called balanced emotional state i seemed to long for in active addiction, is not what i want to be about today. it was the very fact that i thought emotional balance meant emotional neutrality that got me into the spiritual state i am now exiting. i do not really believe that i need to feel emotional pain, in order to feel joy, but it certainly does provide a contrast. seeking out and finding those moments when i feel joy has made more present for all the feelings that i have during the day. looking for what my payoff is, and learning to put less importance on basing my feelings on what others may or may not do, is making me more self-aware and certainly more present in the here and now. i am after all, just another human being, subject to the winds of life and if i choose to ignore what is happening inside, i lose any connection i may have with the spiritual side of me.
i do however, have some things to do, so it is time to wrap this up and take a shower. life is good today and when i get to where i am going, you know, there i will be.

∞ DT ∞