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self-will go hand in hand. when i stumble over that truism, i always think to myself, so what, after all, i have know that fact for a very long minute. what bubbled up to the surface this morning was more about ego and reaching for my desires at the cost of everything else. this was how i lived in active addiction and even with a bit of clean time, i can feel that coming back to current behavior from time to time. i say current behavior because a sponsor once told me, that if i am practicing that behavior in real-time, it is hardly an old one. sometime i even call it a familiar behavior to distinguish it from one that is relatively new for me. in this case familiar is probably a better descriptor than current, as i am not dominated by DESIRE, in this minute anyhow.
i have said it before and it certainly is worth repeating, i am not a fan of all the talk about breaking down “ego” i have heard since the first day i walked into the rooms. i get that self-obsession is at the core of my addiction, i do not get why one must break down ego to morph themselves into a selfless person. for me, and perhaps i am an exception, what needed to happen was that i had to find the ways and means to love, respect and esteem myself, and once i was on that path, my ego “right-sized” as a result. no ego smashing or destruction required and in the end, i feel healthier as i step out into the identity i hid for so long, with my ego intact.
i understand that a lot of the concepts in the fellowship that has given me this new manner in which to live are poor fits for the language that is in common use. self-will and self-obsession, however, mean exactly the same in recovery as they do in the outside world and i am quite familiar with taking both of those human characteristics to extremes, through self-will. when i let go of DESIRE, in those very rare moments, i can see that i may not be getting what i want, but i am certainly getting what i need. my job is to let go, breathe and allow myself the opportunity to be present for what may or may not be going on in my life. it took almost six weeks from the notion of changing sponsors to come to fruition. i kept going round and round about whether this was self-will or if this is what the POWER that fuels my recovery had in mind for me. i still lack a definitive answer, but when i consider in times when i am quiet, i do not feel any angst or trepidation about moving forward in this direction. just for today, i am pretty certain that it was the next right thing for me to do and i will let go of my doubts, at least in this minute.

∞ DT ∞