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the battle of the wills, what a wonderful topic on this warm morning in early October, and one that some days i have a whole lot to write about. honestly i was a bad actor at the meeting last night, and although i would love to blame my partners in crime, i know that i said nothing and i did not move. in fact, it was kind of fun. watching the four of us last night, one might have got the impression that we do not take the whole process of getting and staying clean seriously. the fact that all of that particular gang has many days in a row of living a program is beside the point. the point was, and is, sometimes, even the most serious of us, need to take some time and laugh at our own foibles, as they are expressed by others. i can make a million little excuses, but the fact was, i was disrespectful and more than likely may have missed something. or perhaps i missed nothing and cutting up with the boyz was exactly what the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery was last evening and i missed nothing at all. what i do know, is that in my inventory last night, that behavior was not on the top of my list, and when it did appear, i smiled.
what does all of that have to do with ego and self-will?
hmm, an interesting question.
as i ponder my behavior, i could beat my chest, wail and gnash my teeth, or i can just move on, knowing that while inappropriate, it may or may not have been living in self-will, it is now too late to change that aspect of my life and i can look into there and now and move forward.
so in prayer, which i do NOT do 20 minutes each day, as was suggested by another member last night, i did ask for the chance to have a choice when it came to job opportunities that lead to furthering my career. is that an exercise in self-will? when i trip merrily through all of this stuff, i can certainly get caught up in these useless feedback cycles that spin tighter and tighter down towards self-abasement and abuse. i know that i DID ask, and i have that chance today, so instead of second-guessing myself, i will put forth my best effort and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to run the show from there. part of that best effort is to do my studying today. part of that is to put on my suit and show up with questions and a few answers and part of that effort is to be exactly who i am, with very little spin and subterfuge. i also have work to finish and work to get started on another project, plus a book to read, spend some time with my friends and peers, schedule some time with the sponse and my sponsees, back drain my sprinkler system and get a work out in, and there is only another 15 hours left for me to get all of that in. self-will? well, i would push, drag and pull to accomplish all of that. true will? do what i can, as efficiently as i can and leave the rest go. HP's will? follow my heart and trust that i will accomplish what i can, by allowing that POWER to guide me through today. the results, well it depends how little self-will i exercise in this hybrid model of the battle of the wills, as i know it. if i can allow myself to feel my way to the next right thing, it will not be self-will.
so right here and right now, suit-up and take a walk, because that feels like the right thing to do right here and right now. it is after all, a good day to trust my feelings and let go of my DESIRES, secure in the FAITH that i will get what i need, if i let it come to me, instead of forcing it into my life.

∞ DT ∞