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in physics, there is this notion of describing how things move called a vector. all vectors have a direction and a magnitude, such as go north at 100 miles per hour. the direction of course is north, the magnitude is how fast you are traveling. vectors can be added and multiplied and the result is a new and different vector, in a totally different direct and new magnitude. i use the word force to replace vectors as it makes for much easier writing and i am all about easy. as clunky as that metaphor may be, it certainly can apply to addiction and recovery. when i multiply the direction and magnitude of active addiction, to the direction and magnitude of simple abstinence, i get zero. abstinence cancels out active addiction. going nowhere is not too bad, but i want to do way more than that. when i apply the force of my active recovery, i go in a totally new direction and the effort i put into it, takes me further and further from that zero point of standing still.
anyhow, what does any of all of that long-winded explanation have to do with losing self-will, well if recovery and addiction were just simple vectors with a direction and magnitude, life would be easy, just remain a member of the No Matter What club, bingo, done, move along. life is not quite that neat and tidy, at least not my life. i cannot speak for others nor will i try and generalize about the entire human condition. for me, and me only, i see self-will and the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery as two separate and sometimes disparate forces that operate in my life.
the reading speaks to self-will be a component of active addiction, and i get that, HOWEVER, self-will can also be a component of active recovery as well. for example when i hold on to my membership with pure determination, as happens from time to time. it is not that the POWER that fuels my recovery is absent from my life, it is that i just cannot feel IT's will for me, in that moment.self will suffices, but as my experience has shown, self-will cannot carry me through for very long and sooner or later i have to wake up, smell the spiritual coffee and feel the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, that is of course if i want to move off the zero point. i also can get that self-will can feed that opposite and far from equal force of addiction, that lurks within me, certainly a rationalization or two and BOOM i am on my way, deciding that just a little trip to the dispensary may be a good thing, just for today.
nope today, i will try and stay awake, look for the opportunities to be of service to myself, my friends and the other people with whom i am sharing my life today, as i walk through what is certainly for me, the event of the season!

∞ DT ∞