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to group conscience does not seem to be a part of my DNA, as i hold on to the very last second, sometimes screaming at the top of my lungs, how wrong everyone is, before i finally remember that i am a part of the group conscience and as such, my opinions should carry no more weight that that of anyone else. even though i have been correct in my assessment of what is the next “right” thing to more times than not, learning to let go and allow whatever to happen has never destroyed anything and in the long run, it is often quickly forgotten after the correction has been made downstream.
in my last “battle” against the cult of a single personality, i did surrender, even though i knew that what they were proposing was wrong on so many levels. i also removed myself from “needing” to be at meetings where they were “in charge” as i knew that i could not serve the fellowship as part of the committee of which they took ownership, as i would be a distraction, rather than part of a solution. i can unequivocally state that no service body ever fell apart because i saw the time for me to leave had come. in my experience, when i reach a point where i cannot abide by the decisions that are being made by group conscience, it is time for me to shuffle on to new service opportunities. i will no longer allow myself to be a distraction from the task at hand, to carry the message of recovery to the still suffering addict.
as wonderful and yippy-skippy as that may sound, arriving at this place was fraught with peril, as i took on the mantle of service to my fellowship as part of my identity. as i step out from what once was my identity into the new world of uncovering who i am, there are still traces of knowing what is “right” that still draw me back and bind me to that old vision, out Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt. i do not know about other addicts, or even other human beings, but for this recovering addict, traipsing out of the familiar, even when it is painful, is a path i attempt to avoid at all costs and that avoidance has cost me more opportunities to grow than i could ever enumerate. these days, when i stop trying to think my way through a tough situation and allow myself to feel my way through, i usually end up where i exactly need to be. imagine that! 🤯️
just for today, i am glad i do not need to be a foil to a “cult of personality” as i can have FAITH in expressing my opinion, calmly and without malice, and allow the group's conscience to form as it will. i do not need to judge whether or not it is the “correct” path to take, but i do need to support that decision by not speaking against it. i know that in the long run, cultists get washed out and the legacy they leave is to never go down that path again.

∞ DT ∞