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my selfish desires rarely brings the results i truly DESIRE! i can tell that my life **feels** out of balance today, as i found very little to celebrate about what i heard in the meeting i attended yesterday. it is not that i have HUGE expectations for that particular meeting, but even my very diminished ones were far from met. IF i was to dive into my self-will, i would walk away from that service commitment and never look back. looking back over this past week, i see that i could form all sorts of justifications, rationalizations and excuses for the way i feel, BUT the simple truth is: “i want what i want and i want it RIGHT NOW!”
this morning, a bit more rested and feeling a bit more balance in my life, i see that the feelings i experienced yesterday were the result of my desire to hear something that i did not hear, to see something i did not see, even though my experience shows that hearing and seeing what i DESIRE in that setting,m very rarely happens. my DESIRE warped my expectations and those out-sized expectation left me feeling empty and useless. i truly hate feeling that way and once upon a time i might have reached fro a solution other than waiting for those feelings to pass. i had a bout of “negative” feelings which is so deliciously ironic for me, as i do my best to leave those sort of labels off my bouts of feelings. does that mean i may dig in and start another step working relationship within that setting? i do not quite know if i am ready to do so, yet. i do know that waiting for someone else to take action tries my patience and puts me in a “negative” frame of mind.
where does all this leave me on this fine October morning? first and foremost i need to take stock in what i have accomplished over the past few days. most of the issues that were manifest in “hell night” will be resolved with the release tonight and one more issue that popped up yesterday will need to be taken care of next week. after seeing the lack of detail in my co-worker's work, i see that my mistrust of their ability to perform tasks is well founded. my DESIRE this morning is to rip them a brand new orifice and feel justified in doing so. my actions, however, will not follow my desire in this instance. instead i will rely on a POWER greater than myself to find the means to teach without anger and show them what they missed. i can “feel” my way to acceptance and tolerance and maybe, just maybe that will lead to compassion and empathy. knowing myself the way i do, i am not holding my breath, waiting for that to happen.

∞ DT ∞