Blog entry for:

from the flow of life is one way i seek to cover-up and erase the mistakes i have made. i really do hate to admit that i have been caught up in obsession and that obsession was rooted in DESIRE. here i sit after allowing myself to get scammed not once, but twice this summer, wondering why i did not see what was evident and stop it the first time i had to reach for resources beyond my means. what i chose to believe was certainty was far from it and now i am embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated, wishing for a quick fix and doing my best not to fallback to a “foxhole” prayer or three. even though i am not all twisted up inside with rage and vengeance and amazingly not worried about what i have to do, to dog myself out of the hole i have dug, i have an excellent example of where DESIRE takes me and what self-will, mine, is all about. there will be no trip to Europe next summer, unless money, like manna, drops from the sky. my takeaway from this whole affair is to allow myself to feel when i have strayed off the path and am running on self-will. more importantly, learn to trust my instincts in this matter and get over trying to think about it. simply put, trust my heart, not my head.
now that i own the feelings i am feeling and the events that caused them, running away and hiding in my home, seems like the perfect solution. no one will need to see me suffering the slings and arrows of self-abasement and i can continue down that path with total freedom from the concern of my friends and peers. locked in the prison of shame, no one can touch me and better still i cannot manipulate anyone into pitying me, as i whine about how woefully idiotic i have become. the question then becomes, how healthy, spiritual or healing is that behavior? the answer seems to be that i am now locked in the other end of self-will, trying to save my face after my ass has already been hammered. it is a good thing that i am on my THIRD STEP and even a better thing that maybe i have enough evidence of what self-will does in my life, to begin to stop fighting and allow myself to be cared for by the POWER that fuels my recovery, in whatever sense that may mean. just for today, i think i will end on that note, get rolling down to work and see how i can align myself to the flow of life, once again.

∞ DT ∞