โ to find the direction i need, i ask my concept of a HIGHER POWER. โ
Posted: Mon, Nov 5, 2007 06:48:03 AM
i stop; i pray; and, quietly, i listen within for guidance. i have come to believe that i can rely on a POWER greater than myself.
i am not quite sure where this will take me this morning. part of what struck me was how bad my decision-making process was when i first started the road of recovery. that was true, all of my decisions were geared to fulfilling my needs which revolved around the getting and using and finding ways to use more. on the outside, my life may have appeared to have been somewhat normal when i walked into the rooms, but inside, i truly was adrift on a moral sea, lacking direction and most of all unconcerned about lacking any sort of direction. i was quite pleased about having attained that state as a matter of fact, as it was evidence that i had become something i seemed to alway wanted to be -- a sociopath. no i did not say that was my goal when i was asked what i wanted to be when i grew up, but as the years of my using increased it became easier and easier to ignore the code that was hard-wired into me through genetics and socialization. those final days of active addiction were the penultimate experience of that part of me i call my addict. i had finally gotten to the place where i knew i was doing wrong, and did not care, after all, relief from that noisy spiritual compass was only one dose away. metaphors and clichés aside, the discovery of who i had become was quite a shock in early recovery, and one from which i derived the desire to at least try this manner of living.
so am i some sort of saintly dude now, whose every action is driven out of pure motives and altruism? not by a long shot, however i am no longer adrift subject to the whims of active addiction. i am still quite human, and i am still quite capable of acting in a purely selfish fashion to fulfill something i believe i NEED! the difference these days is that i can stop, listen and change my direction. i have the tools and i have found a way to tap into the divine. i do have a choice today. so anyhow, being human means i also have to find the means to pay my bills, so off to the races and into the real world, however i do believe i will take my connection tom the divine with me, so i can minimize my impact on the world around me.
i am not quite sure where this will take me this morning. part of what struck me was how bad my decision-making process was when i first started the road of recovery. that was true, all of my decisions were geared to fulfilling my needs which revolved around the getting and using and finding ways to use more. on the outside, my life may have appeared to have been somewhat normal when i walked into the rooms, but inside, i truly was adrift on a moral sea, lacking direction and most of all unconcerned about lacking any sort of direction. i was quite pleased about having attained that state as a matter of fact, as it was evidence that i had become something i seemed to alway wanted to be -- a sociopath. no i did not say that was my goal when i was asked what i wanted to be when i grew up, but as the years of my using increased it became easier and easier to ignore the code that was hard-wired into me through genetics and socialization. those final days of active addiction were the penultimate experience of that part of me i call my addict. i had finally gotten to the place where i knew i was doing wrong, and did not care, after all, relief from that noisy spiritual compass was only one dose away. metaphors and clichés aside, the discovery of who i had become was quite a shock in early recovery, and one from which i derived the desire to at least try this manner of living.
so am i some sort of saintly dude now, whose every action is driven out of pure motives and altruism? not by a long shot, however i am no longer adrift subject to the whims of active addiction. i am still quite human, and i am still quite capable of acting in a purely selfish fashion to fulfill something i believe i NEED! the difference these days is that i can stop, listen and change my direction. i have the tools and i have found a way to tap into the divine. i do have a choice today. so anyhow, being human means i also have to find the means to pay my bills, so off to the races and into the real world, however i do believe i will take my connection tom the divine with me, so i can minimize my impact on the world around me.
∞ DT ∞