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even today, i still can take my cues from those negative impulses that i developed in active addiction. so the reading spoke mostly about listening to a voice other than addiction, and what do i take for my seed, the part that speaks to the voice of addiction. interesting choice, but since i have already started up this hill, i might as well continue. yes, when i came to recovery, i was a poor decision maker. all of my choices were based in self-interest and had the bottom line of getting something at a very low cost to me. often, i just let events make decisions for me, and what i got out of that was the ability and the self-proclaimed right to blame something else for outcomes that were not as i desired. since i do not like the whole two people in one concept, nor am i found at looking at addiction as some sort of alien being within, driving me like some sort of zombie, i have to find a different way of expressing what it was i understand i was doing when i was in active addiction. the concept that i choose to use, is that addiction is an inherent part of me, one that cannot be removed, and as part of the whole -- physical, mental and emotional -- those years of active using honed my judgment and behaviors to satisfy the NEEDS of that part of me. decision-making was one of the tools i used, misused and abused to keep my addict part satiated and quiet. it is no wonder that once i left that life behind, once i got clean and once i started to live a program of recovery, i was ill-prepared for making decisions about the little things, never mind the real stuff that life throws at me on a daily basis. this is especially true, when i find myself in conflict with another person, an institution or the world in general. i revert to those learned, automatic behaviors that were so necessary for me to survive active addiction, or better put, that is my first reaction. as the reading suggests, i have an alternate source for my inspiration to handle conflict today. the influence of ta HIGHER POWER, one that i have developed a relationship with over the course of my recovery, and one, that if i take the time and make the effort to, will provide me with the next right thing to do, in any situation. allowing that process to occur has been my problem, until i approached the end of this step cycle. while far from perfect, i am at least willing today, to stop and listen before acting or reacting as the case may be. i also understand that no matter how long temporally the decision making process lasts, it is almost always the same. the choice i have today, is to allow it to happen as it will and allow myself the benefit of that process, instead of acting on my very first impulse.
so what i am hearing right now is get off my ass and walk the dawg, the day is dawning and i have all sorts of energy i can use.
that feels like a sound decision for right now.

∞ DT ∞