ฮด in addiction, i developed self-destructive, anti-social impulses. when conflict arose, ฮด
Posted: Sun, Nov 5, 2006 10:32:40 AM
i took our cues from those negative impulses. my disease did not prepare me to make sound decisions.
and to this day, those cues are still present in my life and my behavior. before going into how i can still be a real shit head, i do need to say that i am not quite the ass i was when i came to recovery. better than fifty percent of the time, i handle conflict by listening for the voice of my concept of a HIGHER POWER before acting or speaking. i would love to say that this occurs all the time, without fail, and while that is the ideal i have yet to achieve that state yet. there is still HOPE that since i am still kicking, i have a chance to arrive there.
this week was a prime example of when confronted about something i hold near and dear, i can still come out with fangs and teeth, stop listening for that guidance, and do what ever i can to pommel someone into small pieces. no it did not get that far on wednesday night, but that was only because the member i was confronting left as i was just warming up. my HIGHER POWER did take care of me, even though i was deaf to that voice and way beyond pausing to listen for guidance. but that only proves that i am far from being cured, i have yet to surrender to GOD’s will and i am a creature who NEEDS to keep coming back!
can i listen for that voice today? i certainly hope so. i am going to put myself in front of a firing squad and i will need every ounce of spiritual principles i can muster -- or perhaps i am projecting and nothing untoward will happen. that is certainly beyond my skill set today -- predicting the future -- projecting however is something i would love to have removed! but so it goes -- off into the real world.
and to this day, those cues are still present in my life and my behavior. before going into how i can still be a real shit head, i do need to say that i am not quite the ass i was when i came to recovery. better than fifty percent of the time, i handle conflict by listening for the voice of my concept of a HIGHER POWER before acting or speaking. i would love to say that this occurs all the time, without fail, and while that is the ideal i have yet to achieve that state yet. there is still HOPE that since i am still kicking, i have a chance to arrive there.
this week was a prime example of when confronted about something i hold near and dear, i can still come out with fangs and teeth, stop listening for that guidance, and do what ever i can to pommel someone into small pieces. no it did not get that far on wednesday night, but that was only because the member i was confronting left as i was just warming up. my HIGHER POWER did take care of me, even though i was deaf to that voice and way beyond pausing to listen for guidance. but that only proves that i am far from being cured, i have yet to surrender to GOD’s will and i am a creature who NEEDS to keep coming back!
can i listen for that voice today? i certainly hope so. i am going to put myself in front of a firing squad and i will need every ounce of spiritual principles i can muster -- or perhaps i am projecting and nothing untoward will happen. that is certainly beyond my skill set today -- predicting the future -- projecting however is something i would love to have removed! but so it goes -- off into the real world.
∞ DT ∞