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i can receive guidance when i ask for knowledge of the will of that POWER for me. okay, i am fully aware that i do not consistently make good decisions. i am also fully aware that i react strongly when a poor decision lands me in trouble. worst of all, when that poor decision was based on faulty information, i am really ticked-off. the part that makes the last alternative the most unpalatable, is that most of the time, that faulty information has been created by my own mind,. interpreting events, assigning motives and generally living in self-will, rather than based on what is really happening in the world around me. i discover that this happens more often than i would like to admit.
of course, i can always play the opposite game, make no decisions so that i can be a victim and wail and moan about ho awful the world is treating me and how everyone is out top get me. after all, i was a victim once…
now i have finally come to where the reading kicks in. all of the preceding statements are true and accurate for me are most likely a result of being human. addiction took those tendencies and warped them into my default behaviors rather than the exceptions to the rule. recovery has been a process of unlearning and unwiring those behaviors from myself and casting them back into their proper context, one of the alternatives means of arriving at a decision, instead of THE ONE way to reach a decision. asking for and most importantly listening for the feedback from a HIGHER POWER is becoming the manner in which i gather information to make decisions, small ones, not so small ones and ginormous ones. i can already hear the howls of protest from within about how time-consuming such a process is, and in the real world not all decisions can be made in a leisurely manner, what about driving and what not, how can i take the time to consider?
honestly, how can i afford NOT to take the time? it is not like i have to wait months, weeks, days, hours or even moments, to HEAR what would i need to hear, the process of recovery has provided me the means to get instant answers when i need to. i have learned and am still learning how to be present, accepting reality and listening to those gnawing feeling in my gut, that perhaps the decision i am about to make, is not the best way to go. where did i get the notion that i might actually be able to trust my intuition? through the experience of trial and error. that intuition was not trustworthy when i came to recovery, except in matter of doing what it took to get high. step work, and applying the program in my everyday life has changed that, bit by bit, and more and more i can trust my intuition. the end result being, that instead of lengthening every decision-making process for me, the whole thing about asking for and listening to guidance from a HIGHER POWER, actually makes some decisions quicker. a definite gift from the fellowship that is teaching me a new way of living. each day, i am in less conflict with the world around me and better able to handle what comes down the pike, thanks to those who have walked the path before me, whether or not their example was a good one or a bad one, and in my experience both are possible from any recovering addict at any time.
that too is part of the beauty, not one of us is cured although some are sicker and MUCH sicker than others. i have run out of thoughts, so it must be time to get into this Friday morning and do what comes naturally next. HMMMMM yes a run is the next activity on my agenda. it will be a good one, i sense that already. so until next time, be well and allow yourself to see what is really going on.

∞ DT ∞