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prepare me to make sound decisions. that is certainly a fact. that fact cannot be altered by time, steps or even FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery will provide me the opportunity to meet my needs and some of my wants. the other fact, which some may see as good news, is that after some time in the program, some steps and that same FAITH, i am much better prepared to make decisions today. for me, that fact is a real mixed bag.
it was nice, once upon a time to make jokes such as “first thought wrong,” and dismiss my not quite stellar decisions as a product of being an addict. yes my favorite fall back, “WTF did you expect, after all…” even the literature says that i am of a group that does not make consistently good decision. with that background, i can easily slide into the devil made me do it, sort of lifestyle, consciously making bad decisions and pinning the responsibility for those decisions on the mythical addict within.
yes, that was once upon a time, before a few steps and some recovery made me see the errors of my ways and learn that while i may be entitled to make a mistake or even a bad decision, during the course of my day, i am no longer entitled to pass it off on addiction. unfortunately, now i have grown to the place where i NEED to take responsibility for my life and my decisions,, good, bad or indifferent. i may surrender my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, but that does not mean i abdicate the responsibility to live life according to the spiritual principles that comprise the framework of the recovery program that is my life.
active addiction did not foster a sound decision-making process and here i a a few thousand days clean, wondering if active recovery has replaced that process, with something better and more appropriate. in order to answer that question, one would have to look for evidence, as i accept very little on FAITH. i can certainly say that my decision not to use and foster my active recovery, just for today, is a sound one and has reaped enormous rewards for this addict. i can also say that commending my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, today, is more than likely a sound decision as well. where i certainly stumble and often fall, is when i see my peers, and my fellows humans behaving in ways that i WANT to, and do not because i do NOT want to pay the consequences. i understand that for every decision i make, there are consequences, some i like, some i do not. i also know that when i pay attention to what is going on around me, that same POWER that fuels my recovery, also provides me enough information to make a sound decisions. tail-gating the car in front of me so the a$$hole who is weaving in and out of traffic gets stuck, is probably not the most spiritual decision i can make. doing what i say i will and driving as if i want to be part of the solution, rather than the problem, is another one of those sound decisions.
what it comes down to, as much as i would like to, i can no longer shift the blame of the decisions whose outcome is not to my liking. i can no longer live a life based in self-will either, recovery has removed those two options form my life, just for today. which ironically brings me back to the question i asked above, and i would have to say that active recovery has given me something much better than acting on impulse; muddling around in indecision; or blaming addict, for the decisions i make today. i invite the POWER that fuels my recovery into my life and my decision-making process and most of the time “feel” the next right thing to do. which for this addict, self-entitled and self-absorbed as i am, is quite a leap of FAITH.

∞ DT ∞