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and anti-social are certainly good descriptions of who i can be. that being said, these days i strive to be a person that lives a life based on something more than the next impulse. as i sat, much earlier than i had planned this morning, what i felt was a sense of relief, because these days i do have direction, in my life. in the recovery path that i ascribe to, it is called GOD's will, and even though i do not see that “will” to be something tangible and explainable, i can go with the flow. i would like to believe that i am all spiritual all the time, however the truth is, i am severely human and riddled with frailties, pettiness and fear. i get that as an addict, all that i am is colored by DESIRE to get what i think is mine, DESIRE to get what i think i am entitled to and the DESIRE to have everything go exactly as planned. in that warped fantasy world, i walk around resentful and full of unmet expectations. when i cater to that part of me, the one i conveniently call addiction, i fall into the trap of being all that i do not want to be. the voice of GOD, as it were, provides me the direction i lack, when i am walking around displaying all of my character defects to everyone i meet.
i may not believe in the concept of GOD, that most of my peers do and that is my right in this fellowship. i do however believe that i need G.ood O.rderly D.irection, most of the time and slinging that particular bon mot, is something i have not done, for quite some time. this morning, i see that is a JEDI mind trick i need to apply, as my plans and my serenity have been tested by influences over which i have no power, which quite conveniently brings me back to my 1ST STEP assignment. what is it on thee spiritual side of my program and life, that i am powerless over. the pat answer is, just about everything, with the exception of my actions, in response to external stimuli. here at convention, i am not the BIG FISH, i once thought i was and there is a part of me that regrets that change in my life. i could once again, return to that role, and more than likely, be welcomed back. the rest of me however, relishes the fact that i can disappear for an hour, when i feel the need to get away. the rest of me, rejoices in the notion that i have become “right-sized,” and am now just one of the many. the rest of me, sees this as an opportunity for me to grow beyond what i think i am, and become what i am not sure i will be. i cannot make anyone do the work they need to do, but i can decide that the time has come to be serious about my own step work and move along. speaking of that, my breakfast partner has arrived at the facility, so it is time to wrap this up and head on down. just for today, i can allow myself to listen to the voice of GOD and do the next correct thing, and be okay that i am not the most spiritual fish in this pond.

∞ DT ∞