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does not seem to be that big of a deal, and for those who are not addicts, perhaps it is not. for me, however, learning how to make decision that are not based in entitlement, self-interest or self-centered motives, is a gift i have come to cherish. of course there is a huge caveat there, all of those “negative” aspects of my decision making process have not disappeared into the ether, no, not by a long-shot. i have to rely on the guidance of the POWER that fuels my recovery to weigh the alternatives, consider the consequences and do the next right thing, which does not always happen.
here is where i can throw in the progress not perfection trope, to excuse my less than stellar decisions, such as spending far too much money on stuff i do not need lately. i know it is a reaction to the world around me ↬ i always feel a little bit “better” when something new and shiny arrives at my doorstep. what i really “need” to do is to self-assign some step work, and get moving, as i am starting to grow very uncomfortable with where i am, spiritually anyhow. with all the transitions taking place in my life over the past twelve months, it is no wonder that i am looking for a bit of solid ground and buying stuff provides just that.
i can say without a doubt that impulse buying feel like the least of the “negative” impulse i ask the POWER that fuels my recovery to counter on a daily basis. it is tough watching someone choose to fade into black, after having to deal with the death of someone who fought for their life until the very end. i have said it, time and again, that i have to learn to accept the fact that some folks are just like that. when i catch myself saying i cannot when i really mean i will not, i have to dig deep to see what is really going on. there have been a few decisions in the past month that came down to lacking the ability to, or not taking a risk i deemed unacceptable. i have chided and beat myself up about them, but when i take them out and look at them in context, i can see that they were the correct path to take, as i am only human and i only have so much to give.
as i attempt to go into this weekend of fantasy football and not obsess about how i might be able to pull out a win, i need to remember that this a social activity and only a game. yes i want to win, to slaughter to lord it over those i send down into ignominious defeat. i also know that winning or losing will not make me any better or worse in the big scheme of things. what does make me better is allowing myself to go down that path, smile and obsess for a minute and let go, after all the world does not turn on my win-loss record in fantasy football, at least not today. just for today, i will accept my life as it is and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery the opportunity to show me the next right thing to do.

∞ DT ∞