Blog entry for:

seek knowledge of the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. yesterday was a good day, i went through an entire day, almost, without exercising self-will, than just as i was preparing to come home after the meeting WHAM there it was, in all of its glory. yes it came up on my TENTH STEP and although there is wrong on my part, i feel unwilling to correct it, and that is certainly not where i want to be. as you can tell, it is still on m y mind, and that lapse, as minor and nearly inconsequential as if looks like to me, has spawned quite the chain of rationalizations and justifications, which is certainly symptomatic of my spiritual health and my flight into fantasy and denial. it sucks, to have to practice spiritual principles, even with those that i really do not like. the step does in ALL of my affairs, not just in those affairs with people i like, trust, respect or can tolerate, DANG IT ALL! oh well, i am only human, and lapses are part of the gig. that does not mean i can continue to behave in such a manner, regardless of how i feel, and even if i severely curtail my contact and interaction with someone, i still NEED to treat them with the modicum of respect, any human being is entitled to. the direction i am HEARING and it is quite loud, is that i owe an apology to correct my wrong and i NEED to look at what it is, that makes me act the way i am acting.
looking at my part in it, i can see in him, character defects that i possess, and still want to act out on. i want to be the center of attention, i want to be the life of the party, i want the world to revolve around me, and i am jealous that those behaviors are no longer tolerable or acceptable for me. which really sucks even more. i could go with the litany of what i see in myself, that i do not comfortable acting ion, and yet denigrate and dismiss those who still can act on them. the fact is, what i am sensing is a battle between the part of me that wants to be the sh!t i always was and the part of me that bis striving to be the person, i have always wanted to be, and those i am hurting in the mean time are just collateral damage in the war between self-will and true will, that is being waged currently within me. well, i am quite tired of this collateral damage, and although i may never come to actually like the person that my TENTH centered around last night, i do know that for my spiritual health i have to accept that they are doing the best that they can, tolerate them as they are, and bit by bit, accept that i am powerless over forcing them to conform, recover or become more than they were when the walked into the rooms. yes, i have to take care of me, so i can better interact with everyone i come in contact with these days.
i could go on, but the reality is, that i DO have to work and i DO have to shower and i WILL be sitting down with my sponse this week to see where i can go in my spiritual journey. it certainly is a GOOD day to be clean, and i am grateful for the gifts i have been given, even the ability to see where i am wrong. the nice part of the last night's TENTH STEP, is that i got the crap out of my head before i tried to sleep and just for today i can see what action i NEED to take.

∞ DT ∞