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knowledge and listening for enlightenment seems like a stretch for me, after all relying on some cosmic power for guidance feels as it is an ginormous cop-out, shifting responsibility for my decisions to something else. as i grow more comfortable with the spiritual path that has chosen me, i grow less comfortable with many of the ideas expressed by my peers in recovery. it is true, that for me to be part of the crowd, there is a bit of semantic fiddling around, on my part. i am used to that, as now it is the language i use to describe the concepts rather than trying to fit myself into the concepts they espouse. one notion that i do not have any issue with, is that the manner in which i “hear” that guidance. there are no booming words, burning bushes, prophetic dreams or heavenly signs. what there is a feeling of the direction i need to take. feelings rather than words are hard to describe and once upon a time i certainly “knew” what the next “wrong” thing to do, by the feeling i got in the bit of my stomach, not that much unlike the one i used to get, just before… that has not change, i can still fell that way, but more often than not, i just feel that what i am going to do, is the correct thing in that moment, even when it comes down to making live changing decisions.
on my spiritual path, that knowledge just is, no explanations nor divine sources are required, it is just part of being awake to the ebb and flow of the world around me. i no longer trip over the roadblocks to my spiritual journey, as i am no longer trying to walk a path that is not me. that does not mean i have to abandon my peers or my recovery program, as i can accept them without conditions even though we do see the spiritual side in the same manner. whether they approve of me or not is no longer my thang, as i approve of myself and i feel a certainty that each day, as i get up from “sitting” i “know” who i am, what i am and where i am going. i also feel a sense of knowing what to do, unfortunately it is not a printed list of the plan of the day, which at one time i thought was something i “needed” in the earlier phases of my recovery journey.
my plan today? a 5K walk, attending my home group, a walk with a friend, a few hours of problem solving and my “audition” for a career changing opportunity. along the way, there are many pitfalls that may arise, and i will allow myself to respond to them, rather than rail against in a fit of petulant frenzy. so it is off into this windy November morning to get a few miles under my belt and a huge dose of being outside to enjoy what the weather may throw at me.

∞ DT ∞