Blog entry for:

ask for direction. i have found the POWER i lacked in active addiction, a POWER that is available to me at all times.
well a couple of trains of thought about to collide head-on in my noggin this morning, and that is not a bad thing. so i actually attended a Catholic mass yesterday, and the structure did not collapse under a fusillade of lightening bolts and a downpour of brimstone. that is one those power fantasies that i often entertain, i just mention it as a lighthearted way to approach the first train of thought i have rumbling down the pike. i was struck, however by how empty the whole ritual now seems to me. before i insult anyone, this only my opinion of how i RELATE to a religious ceremony and not a comment on the religion or its adherents at all. please do not take any offense, BUT if you find what i am about to say disturbing, please talk to someone about it, you will need to. anyhow, the words, the songs, the music and the gestures, seemed to be disconnected to the purpose of why i was there yesterday and more importantly to my nephew who dies a week ago.i know that funerals, and all their trappings are for those left behind, and i am hopeful that others who were there yesterday got the comfort and whatever emotional healing they needed. me, i cried, or more precisely, my eyes leaked more than a tear or two, i felt sad, and i think i finally let go and accepted the reality of the situation, that Jorge is gone. the part that did that for me yesterday was when the priest, a man who probably never met Jorge spoke about him and especially when the other two eulogies were delivered. other than that, the whole gig was mostly a set of disconnected words and the unreality of having to have someone between me and the divine. someone to intercede on my behalf and GIVE the answers. i never realized it when i was growing up, because there is a certain comfort with someone being between and the source of ultimate power. today, the relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery is a personal and intimate one. although that POWER is no less powerful than the One i was led to as a child, i DO NOT need someone between me and IT. if this belief happens to damn me to eternal suffering than so be it, my goal is to live today, being the best Don i can be and living as spiritually as possible. that manner of living reduces my footprint on the world and certainly has temporal consequences that benefit the world around me, as the kind father was so apt to point out yesterday in his sermon.
the second runaway though train is whether or not to accept the contract i have been offered. there are certainly more than a few good reasons too, but i feel like i am jumping on the first opportunity, instead of allowing stuff to play out. there are more than one opportunities that have yet to come to fruition, and today, i am not as desperate as i was 90 days ago. the offer i currently am contemplating would require some lifestyle changes. it is however, in an exciting new direction for me, and would expand my career potential, including possibly leading to a permanent full-time gig. how does this relate to the reading? well, i am on the verge of making a decision, and am torn between which way to go. i know that as a class, addicts are incapable of consistently making good decisions, and i NEED the guidance of the POWER that fuels my recovery in this matter. so following that lead, i will stop, let go and allow myself to feel the solution to my dilemma, remembering that even if i accept this offer, i CAN change my mind and take one that is better for me. i WILL allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to put it on my heart what the next right thing to do, just happens to be.
it is quite a day, so off to the real world to accomplish some of that, while i still have the willingness to do so.

∞ DT ∞